


It's Still You for Me

by nakkacchii



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Confessions, Drunk AU, Drunken Confessions, Drunkenness, F/M, Late Night Conversations, Medicine, Modern AU, Post-Break Up, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2018-10-18 22:54:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10626834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nakkacchii/pseuds/nakkacchii
Summary: Drunk calls from your ex-boyfriend and the feelings you get when he confesses he's still in love with you, despite what's happened.





	1. Iwaizumi Hajime

**Author's Note:**

> This was a request from my Tumblr ([sportanimefantasies.tumblr.com](https://sportanimefantasies.tumblr.com)) and because it was so long, I decided to post it on here for anyone having trouble reading it via mobile.

You brought your forehead against the piles of paper and books atop your desk with a frustrated sigh. Scratch that, a groan. The hours of studying have caused your brain to exist to nothing but jelly. An exhausted, emotional pile of jelly. You turned your head to look at your phone. The lock screen glared back at you, 1:13 AM. Another groan of frustration left your mouth as you sat up and brought your palms to your eye sockets.

The world wasn’t lying when they told you college would take away your sanity. It was time consuming, exhausting, and expensive. From the moment you wake up, as early as six, you’re hurrying to class, thinking of your agenda. What was going to happen in class, any upcoming quizzes or tests, and anything you needed to prep for. The time after class was spent memorizing everything you had just learned, on top of the previous information you learned. Sometimes, you went over everything altogether to mesh the criteria together. Just a safety precaution so you could memorize everything for future tests. After studying for a few hours, you would head to work, which usually ended around ten to midnight. Working as a waitress in a sushi restaurant was a way to start paying off school. It wasn’t the fastest pace to make money, but it was a start. Every cent was pertinent. A couple hundreds to have food in your stomach for a few months, another few hundreds for a roof over your head, and plenty of hundreds to sometimes a thousand spent on classes you needed. College was exhausting, there was no doubt to that.

Through it all, college was beneficial. You could never deny that either. All the extra work in studying brought you the highest grades you could achieve. Sometimes the top grade of the class, and that made it even more satisfying. Of course, being the student with top grades, other students would come to you for tutoring. Who were you to deny another struggling student? It took up your busy schedule, sometimes you questioned if this was healthy for you. Adding on to your package. All the doubts fly out the window when those students did go up to you, appreciating the time you put into them to get them that A they just got. The desperation turning into relief lightened the stress on your heart. You already make a difference in college. Just imagining the difference you could make once you graduated was worth every sleepless night, aggravating shift, and that person you lost.

No matter what, you had to remember this was best. Occupying your time with yourself, school, and work was best for you. No matter how much you wanted to give up, you had to remind yourself this was nothing to losing him. No amount of homework keeping you up or indescribably irritable guest at the restaurant could amount to having felt that heartbreak.

As much as you tried to forget the heartbreak, it was impossible. Iwaizumi Hajime could never leave your mind.

After the break up, you tried to be friends. You really did try to stay friends with Iwaizumi, even if you were still in love with him. Almost five years together, you couldn’t just stop being in love with him. It took time, and so did becoming comfortable with the title of friends. The first couple of weeks you would text about classes, FaceTime when either of you had time to talk about everything and how it was all so different. One of the hardest changes was to see Iwaizumi Hajime without a heart next to his name pop onto your phone whenever he contacted you. It was one small character removed, yet it felt like you lost an arm. More than that. The removed heart made it feel like you lost an arm, leg, and eye. Iwaizumi was the other half of you that you couldn’t live without. But now you had to. Iwaizumi was just a friend you talked to almost everything about.

Everything being everything except the break up. The both of you did your best to avoid topics that would make the other feel awkward or uncomfortable. You did your best to not joke with Iwaizumi about potential girlfriends he had on his campus. Whenever volleyball games would come up, you tried not to think about the number of girls Iwaizumi would have cheering for him on the sidelines. It was easier to not mention the numerous guys that would ask for your number or to take you out on date. You didn’t need to hear about your ex-boyfriend’s love life and he didn’t need to hear about yours. Everything had to be kept fair. Iwaizumi didn’t give you a reason to be jealous, but then again, you didn’t need to be. You couldn’t either. Iwaizumi wasn’t your boyfriend anymore, he was just a friend. And friend’s don’t get jealous of potential girlfriends. But even though it was difficult to be friends, it was better than not to have Iwaizumi in your life.

But juggling a life with Iwaizumi and a life in school was more time consuming than you expected.

The two of you attended different colleges. It was hard enough to keep up a relationship, maintaining a friendship seemed best at the time. And it worked for a few weeks. It was nice. It seemed doable. Easy. But it wasn’t. Phone calls would happen less, texts would come in less frequently, conversations barely got to happen. The times you two would be able to catch each other would be five minute conversations. Sometimes you had a study group and couldn’t talk to Iwaizumi. The times you would be done with class, he had either class going on or would be in practice already. One time Iwaizumi joked that he talked to you more than Hanamaki and Matsukawa. The both of you laughed but in your thoughts, you felt frustrated. The two of you barely talked as it was. And were broken up. Shouldn’t his best friends take priority? Of course they should, but because you were you and Iwaizumi was Iwaizumi, you two couldn’t let go. Just not yet. It was nice to be in a world where you two still had each other. Where the conversations still brought smiles on each others faces, that your smile was because of Iwaizumi, and still being that first person to text when the other woke up. Iwaizumi would still call you right after practice to make sure you got home safely after work. He FaceTimed you with Oikawa in the background, lecturing the both of you to eat properly and sleep enough. It was ironic because Iwaizumi was staying up just to check on you and Oikawa, just like in high school. It was nice. And it was lies. Your homework pile continued to grow. The hours at your job demanded more, and you obliged. It was more money, but less time to study. So the later you stayed at work, the later you would stay up to study for the next day’s lecture or test. School had to take priority. The only other time that school and work was cutting into was your time with Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi was always thoughtful and considerate. When he noticed you had become busier, he understood. “School’s probably going to get crazier over here, too. And I have volleyball practice too, so it’s fine,” Iwaizumi responded with a proud smile. It was so bittersweet to see his smile on FaceTime. Iwaizumi was never disappointed in you, but when you saw that smile, it just felt like concrete. This was getting real. The break up was becoming heavier once you saw that smile. It hurt more to hear him encourage you. Only because you knew that meant he was okay with letting you go. “Work hard, okay ____?”

That was the last conversation Iwaizumi and you had.

Communication was minimal. The texts sent in were only a few words and happened less. Every night of FaceTime calls turned to every other few days. Eventually, the inevitable happened. There was no contact at all. Days turned to weeks, weeks into months, and then months into three years. If it weren’t for throwing yourself into school and work, all the deity’s known to Japan could have only told you where you would have been instead.

“That’s enough studying for now,” you sighed tiredly. You switched your desk light off and headed over to your bed. It was only a few steps, but it felt like a steep hill you had to run up for a physical test. Each step felt heavier than the last, it was most likely from walking on campus after hour classes and the time you spent at work aiding to every duty needed to be done. Finally, your body met your bed. “Ah, this feels so good!” You began stretching and rolling your body side to side. Once you became comfortable, in seconds you would be asleep. “Alright, good night-”

Ring. Ring. Ring.

The world just loved prevented you from sleeping peacefully. “Go away,” you groaned loudly. You rolled your face onto your pillow, doing your best to ignore your phone. Maybe it was an alarm or a phone call. Either way, it would go away once it was done blaring atop your desk.

Except it didn’t go away. The phone continued to ring after a pause. Unable to bare with the annoyance any longer, you approached your phone ready to silence the alarm you set up. You cursed yourself each tired step for being such a dedicated student. You forgot about the alarms you had set up for yourself late at night to keep you up to study. You’ll have to remember to cancel…

But it wasn’t an alarm. It was a phone call. A phone call from the last person you ever expected, especially at 1:30 AM.

Iwaizumi Hajime is calling…

Should I answer it? you thought in a panic. The more you held your phone, the more the panic increased. His name popped onto your phone for the first time after three years. Why would Iwaizumi be calling after all this time? Was he okay? Is he in such a desperate situation that he needed your help?

But it was Iwaizumi calling. If he needed you, no matter the amount of desperation, you would be there for him. No hesitation, was what the two of you said. And yet, here you were hesitating.

You were definitely hesitating. Your eyes scattered as the phone continued to buzz, as if anything in your dark room could give you any leverage to making a decision. The phone buzzed and buzzed, it was the second to last ring until the phone would go to voicemail again.

If you ever need me, don’t hesitate to call. You know I’ll always be there, even if you didn’t need me, ____, Iwaizumi’s voice was in your head, replaying that sentence.

Immediately, you picked up.

“Hajime?” just as soon as the words left your mouth, there was regret. What a lame way to answer the phone call.

To your surprise, no one replied. There was no sound on the other end, just little static every now and then. You held your breath, trying to calm your racing heart. Maybe someone stole his phone and accidentally dialed your number. Or maybe, he changed your name on you phone to something ridiculous. After so long, he stumbled on the name and decided to call to remember who the person was. But it’s almost two in the morning, why would he be-

“You answered,”

His voice was the same. It was breathless, stern, deep. Somehow, Iwaizumi’s voice was always comforting, even after three years. And even though it was a little nerve wracking to hear his voice, it was definitely comforting.

“I mean,” Iwaizumi coughed awkwardly, followed by a laugh. “Hi. I… I know it’s late. I shouldn’t be calling you. I… I went out for a smoke and I’m calling you,”

That’s a surprise. “You smoke now?”

Why was it so easy to talk? And why were you smiling? You just learned Iwaizumi smokes now, and you’re smiling. Your cheeks were warm, the smile kind of made them feel tight.

“Uh, yeah. Kind got into the habit after the first one,” Iwaizumi replied. His voice lingered, and he talked a bit louder on some other syllables. He inhaled deeply, he was probably smoking right now. “Started ‘cause of stress. It’s just habit now… Sorry, I just said that, but… I don’t know… You disappointed?”

“Oh, no,” for some reason, you felt a bit guilty. You weren’t lying. Iwaizumi smoking was just a surprise. You never could have guessed he would start. Just thinking about it made you laugh nervously. “Just surprising.”

There was a hum from Iwaizumi. “Yeah,” Another inhale, but then a cough. “Ah shit, sorry man.”

“You out?” you asked curiously. “You sound kind of busy.”

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi responded quickly. Something felt strange. The way Iwaizumi spoke, he sounded the same. He still acted the same, somewhat. It was… There was just something you couldn’t shake off. “I, uh… I’m out with Trashykawa, Matsukawa, and Hanamaki.”

“You guys are all together? Wow, that’s nice. Are they smoking with you, too?”

“No,” Iwaizumi laughed. Man, did you wish you could see his smile again. “I’m the only one who smokes. They smoke when they feel like it, which is close to never. Trashykawa complains I make my car smell worse every time. But he’s smoked twice.”

“Oikawa’s still the same,” you wondered, as you laughed, if Iwaizumi wanted to see your smile. Or maybe you were the only one thinking of the other just like the first days you developed these feelings. It would be better just to let these hopes stay hopes. “Hajime. You should be with them. I-”

“I called,” Iwaizumi interjected. His voice was a bit shaky. “I called, ‘cause… I just… Dammit.”

His breath was shaky as Iwaizumi sighed. A loud thud came from Iwaizumi’s end. Immediately, your mind was racing. Was he falling? Did he just punch something? “Hajime? Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi replied. You waited for more. Just in case, just in case he had another answer. Iwaizumi was acting too offkey to be sure of anything. “No. I’m drunk. I’m drunk and-”

Your eyes widened. “You’re drunk? What, how? You’re not even-”

“I’m with the guys, remember? Huh, hate to admit it. But Trashykawa does have perks to being some stupid pretty boy. Makes it easier to since it’s Hanamaki’s birthday,” again with the silence. You didn’t know what to say. Your hunches were right, Iwaizumi was definitely not in a good state of mind. “____, I shouldn’t have called. I just, I wanted to hear your voice. I… I wanted to know you were okay,”

“Hajime, I think you should-”

Suddenly, the phone began to blare in your ear a ruffling sound. The ruffling turned to quiet and then a person in the background. You could hear minimal, but it was enough to get an idea of what was happening.

“H-Hey!

“What the-I thought you were just having a smoke!” It was a male’s voice. The ruffling and static in between the words made it hard to distinguish who it could be.

“I’m okay-almost-fucking be inside soon-”

More static. There were accents to the bumping in the background, some louder than the others and louder than the static,

“Iwa-chan, give me the-Don’t call-Iwa-chan!”

Oikawa? More ruffling on the other end. But suddenly it turned to quiet. A quick static sang, then a gasp from the sounds of it.

“____-san?”

Hanamaki. “Hi, Hanamaki. Happy birthday,”

“Thanks,” Hanamaki had a small laugh. “Iwaizumi remind you?”

“Yeah, didn’t want me to forget I guess,” you shared a small laugh. Hanamaki sounded the same as well. Only three years and you questioned why you expected everyone on the other line to sound completely different. But it was fair, it was a different lifetime you’re living now.

“____-san,” Hanamaki sighed. His voice was lazy. He was definitely drunk as well. “Iwaizumi is drunk. I can’t let you guys keep talking. This is just all trouble.”

“Hanamaki, are you guys going to be okay? I can-”

“You can’t come here. If he sees you, there’s no-Woah! Iwaizumi, what the fuck!”

“Gimme back the phone, Hanamaki! It’s not a big-”

“It’s two in the morning on my birthday, you shouldn’t be giving me orders. If anything, you should be taking my orders!” you couldn’t help but smile. Usually, this would be Iwaizumi and Oikawa arguing. It was a new light to be hearing Iwaizumi arguing with Hanamaki. “Go back inside with Idiotkawa and Matsukawa!”

“Hey, I’m not no idiot, Makki!” But you were drunk Oikawa, who knows if you could make smart decisions when you were drunk.

“Just give me my phone already! Let me-”

“Iwaizumi, it’s two. In. The. Morning. ____-san is a busy girl, she needs sleep. Thought you wanted what’s best for her,” your lips turned in an awkward line. It made sense, it was the same line Iwaizumi used when the break up was happening. He always wanted the best for you. But the best never felt the happiest. “Let ____-san sleep.”

There was more rambling and ruffling on the other end. Maybe it would have been best if you never answered. Maybe, it would be best if you just hung up now.

“This is your guys’ fault anyway! How are you-mention her and not expect me to-miss her!” Iwaizumi spat back. The static made it difficult for you to hear, but the words you did hear… Your heart was getting too anxious. You hadn’t felt it be more alive than now, all the thumping within your chest. It rang in your ears. But Iwaizumi was angry, you couldn’t let your emotions get the best of you right now.

The rumbling greeted you again. “____-san? I’m sorry about Iwaizumi. We’ll take care of him, okay? Get some-”

“Hanamaki, I want to talk to him,” you challenged. It was strange, to feel like you needed to argue with Hanamaki. He was always sassy, a sarcastic friend. Not once did you ever have to feel confrontational with him. Except now.

“____-san,” Hanamaki responded slowly. Oikawa’s voice was in the background, small and quiet. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. He can’t talk to you right now. Or stand on his own. Iwaizumi is drunk-”

“And so are you. And I’m willing to bet so is Oikawa and Matsukawa. You guys’ can’t even take care of each other.”

“We got it. The two idiots are just being idiots and-”

“Hanamaki,” you interjected desperately. “I know it’s been three years. But if Hajime needs me, I will be there for him. That hasn’t changed for either of us. And I will definitely not let either of you drive. He would hate me if I did.”

“Then we call a cab. ____-san, it’s been three years. He shouldn’t have gotten so drunk to call you, I’m sorry. But… It’s been three years. I can’t let him get hurt,”

“And I can’t let him just call me for no reason,” you argued. Your heart was speeding now. “It’s been three years, he can’t just call me, drunk, and say he wanted to make sure I was okay. He could have been doing that. He never had to stop. So I want to know-”

“____-san,” Hanamaki hissed. “Just let it go. Please. I can’t let him hurt even more.”

“Hanamaki, I am begging you,” if you had to be on your knees, you would. If you had to shake Hanamaki’s hand as you begged on your knees, you would. “Am I supposed to let this go? What are you going to do when Hajime goes up to you about this?” You expected an argument. Hanamaki had been fighting this long with you, and you weren’t ready to back down. But he was silent. “Hanamaki?”

“It’s my birthday,”

“… Happy birthday,”

“No, not that. It’s my birthday and I get to hang out with Iwaizumi and my best friends. ____-san, I like seeing my friends happy. I like being happy with my friends. That’s why I’m arguing with you. I don’t want to see Iwaizumi hurt anymore. I’m trying to be a good friend.”

“You are a good friend, Hanamaki. That hasn’t changed since high school,”

“I know,” Hanamaki sighed. “I don’t care if he’s going to hate me. I can’t let him see you. ____-san, I’m sorry. But I can’t let him keep killing himself.”

“…Hanamaki, then what are you going to say to him? When he asks about me? ‘I didn’t think you guys should talk, boo hoo’ or ‘It’s my birthday, just let me have my fun’? What-”

“Why do you want to talk to him so much? You let time pass, you can’t just come out of no where and-”

“He called me! Hajime called me! He has shit to say to me obviously if he wants to call me after all this time! Why won’t you let him just tell me what he wants to say to me?”

“Because!” Hanamaki had never argued with you. He had never yelled at you, he had never talked back to you. It was strange, but it was happening. Even though it felt like you were the only one who felt a bit off with the conversation, you could tell in Hanamaki’s breath. When he sighed, you could hear the guilt. “Because… I just want him to be happy. And I know he was happy when you two were together. But after the break up… It was hard ____-san. I wasn’t there with him like Oikawa was, but it was… A long time until Iwaizumi was even fine.”

You had to process this. After the break up, Iwaizumi wasn’t the same. Iwaizumi had it hard. Even as the words came to mind, it was still difficult. The whole three years that passed, whenever your mind wandered to the break up, you only thought about yourself. You hadn’t put thought into how Iwaizumi was feeling. He had school, volleyball, and Oikawa to keep him busy. It was still silly to refer to Oikawa as a chore, but Iwaizumi was always dedicated to making sure Oikawa was okay. Best friend relationships always have responsibilities and love. Sometimes you were jealous of Oikawa to be able to say he will definitely have Iwaizumi in his life forever to keep him in check. But even as Iwaizumi checked on Oikawa, Oikawa did his part as well. After the break up, Oikawa even called you to just talk.

“I know it’ll be hard, but don’t worry too much about him, okay ____-chan? I can take care of him. You take care of yourself, okay?”

Somehow after Oikawa said that, you never looked back. You never doubted he would let Iwaizumi be anything but okay. So you never thought twice about, and only thought about taking care of yourself. It made sense, it was fair. But as you were processing things now, it felt horrible to only think about yourself.

“Hanamaki, please,” you begged quietly. “Please let me be there for him. You guys have done your part. I think Hajime and I should talk now. Please?”

Hanamaki was silent. There was no more ruffling in the background. No Oikawa, Iwaizumi, or Matsukawa. Oikawa and Matsukawa probably took Iwaizumi into wherever they were. Maybe a bar, a club, somewhere. You didn’t know, but… All you knew was you just wanted to talk to Iwaizumi about whatever made his heart heavy. You wanted these drunk idiots home so you don’t have to worry about them even if you didn’t get to talk to Iwaizumi.

A heavy sigh left Hanamaki’s breath. “Do you think you could get to Tokyo before Oikawa starts threatening to find Ushijima?”

You had an appreciative smile atop your face, but then you became confused. “Tokyo? I thought you and Matsukawa live closer to Tokushima.”

“I still wanted to see my parents on my birthday too, ____-san,” the first laugh Hanamaki shared with you. There was a few more noises in the background. Hanamaki probably went back inside. “We all decided to come back to Miyagi. We picked up Iwaizumi and Oikawa at the Tokyo train station then just headed home to do everything.”

“Almost a eight hour drive, there and back? And you came to your friends, instead of them to you?”

“I guess we decided to do it big for my birthday. And hey, it’s Tokyo. Big city, awesome bars,” Hanamaki clicked his tongue.

“At one bar?”

“We’ve been bar hopping,” Hanamaki whined. “I’m starting to feel more judged. Am I just more drunk or are you really judging me?”

“What, no,” you laughed. It was nice talking to Hanamaki. After the break up, it was strange to talk to him. Only because he was Iwaizumi’s friend before you. But, you realize it was silly. “It’s just… Surprising you guys actually did go all out. I’m glad you guys are altogether.”

“Yeah, me too,” you could hear Hanamaki’s smile. “But yeah, decided to go all out. Decided to get together, say hi to our family, then head to a bunch of bars. Same ol’, same ol’ when you’re back home.”

“Uh huh. How did you know I was home?”

“You think just one year in college would change you’re a family person. And knowing you, you brought that towering pile of homework material you needed to study.”

You twisted your lips. “Caught me.”

“I knew I would.”

“What can I say, going to school in Aomori makes me miss my parents.”

“Yeah, and others, huh?”

“Hey, when did this-”

“Uh oh.”

Talk about perfect timing. “What?”

“Do you think you can get to Tokyo before Oikawa actually goes and makes us find Ushijima?”

“Uh oh,”

“Yeah,”

“They drank more?” A hum escaped Hanamaki’s lips. “And you’re going to keep drinking too huh?”

“You know it,” it was easy to know when Hanamaki was smirking. You shook your head with a smile.

“Yeah, be there in half an hour,”

—

“Just how much did you guys drink?” you asked with a laugh.

One look at these four would definitely say the night was too crazy. Matsukawa sat behind the passenger seat. Even though his face was against the chair’s head rest, he groaned each time you stopped. He admitted he was too drunk, and apologized. Numerous times. Into the chair’s head rest. Oikawa held his face as his elbows were atop his knees. Because he was the smallest between Hanamaki and Matsukawa, Oikawa had to sit middle seat. Being drunk didn’t let him feel any better about taking middle seat. It only made him more… Oikawa. Complaint after complaint. He also looked like he just wanted to throw up at every turn you made in the car. Luckily you brought a couple plastic bags for each of them. Hanamaki palmed his eye sockets as his head leaned back. Occasionally his elbows would bump against Oikawa’s head and Oikawa would argue loudly, then Matsukawa would punch Oikawa in the side. Iwaizumi sat in the passenger seat asleep, arms in his lap and his mouth hanging low. Every turn and stop you made, even with the lightest movement, his head would lean to the side. One turn to get into the highway made his head lean all the way against your shoulder. The touch would have made your heart feel wary, but in this situation, you couldn’t hold back a small laugh. If you had made it before they took those five shots of tequila, one after the other, maybe they would have been easier to deal with.

“All togethar or after you were talkin to Makki, ____-chan? Because we can think back! Okay I had that body shot off that cute blonde when we first got in the club,” Pilawa recalled with a lazy smile.

“Starting off with a body shot? Wow, impressive Oikawa,” you smirked.

“I am offended, ____-san. I am still the most gorgeous out of these four brutes, of course I start off with a gorgeous girl!” Oikawa scoffed with a pout of his lip. You had a small laugh as the other two groaned and rolled their eyes simultaneously. “Rude.”

Iwaizumi shifted in his sleep and your head automatically turned to him. How would he react meeting your eyes?

When you met the guys outside the bar, they were a mess. Just as you could see the bar, your eyes immediately found the four. Hanamaki and Matsukawa held up a passed out Iwaizumi with his arms over their shoulders. Oikawa would sway side to side each step he took. Matsukawa would try to reach out and grab Oikawa, but every attempt left himself swaying and bringing the other two to follow him. When you parked in front, you didn’t get a chance to process how much of a change happened since you last saw any of them. Matsukawa and Hanamaki first threw (literally) Iwaizumi into the front seat before chasing Oikawa down the street and carrying him into the car. While you buckled Iwaizumi into the seat, you could hear Oikawa yelling for Ushijima the whole walk back.

But now that they were in the car, you noticed a majority of their changes. For one, Matsukawa grew taller. It never seemed possible, but he grew what felt like half a foot. His facial hair was more evident now, a little scruff look. Matsukawa just needed a cigarette and he’d look like a bass player in a soft rock band or something. Oikawa looked a little the same. His shoulders and arms were more defined, but that was to be expected. Becoming Japan’s Olympic Men’s volleyball team’s setter was a lot of work outs. Oikawa bound to grow and become more physical. He was also the same, loud, flamboyant guy you’ve known since you’ve met him. Maybe more. He was complimenting a couple of girls walking by, a bit stand off-ish from him as Oikawa waved his fingers.  Hanamaki matured as well. He shaved the sides of his head and only grew the top part. It was french braided into two halves then put into one pony-tail that ended at the middle of his head. Hanamaki’s ears were pierced as well, thick little gold hoop earrings. He was still slender as well, but his face structure was more defined. His jaw, his cheek bones, his smile. There was a confidence and laid back energy to him. And then Iwaizumi… You tried not to stare, but even as a passed out drunk, he made your heart jump to your throat. Iwaizumi never looked bad or dressed bad. It was just… Casual when you two were together. You never cared, you found Iwaizumi attractive nonetheless. But as you strapped him into his seat, you couldn’t ignore how much more attractive he became. The all black outfit made you weak in the knees, but the gold diamond stud earrings? The slim gd chain necklace under his black tee? The holes at his knees in his black jeans? The black leather Chelsea boots? It was an absolute turn on for you. And you hated Oikawa just a bit for pointing out how you stared at Iwaizuni’s arms. It wasn’t impossible, but there was no way that his arms could be more irresistible… Except they were.

“____-chan!”

“Yes!?” you yelped, eyes widening. Your hands held onto the steering wheel tighter and looked to the front more focused than before. You didn’t budge when you felt Oikawa thrust his head against the crook of the chair’s head rest.

“We’ll take your room, while you and Iwa-chan stay in the living room!”

“Oikawa, shut up, don’t be rude,” Matsukawa groaned.

“Uh, Oikawa, don’t you guys have a hotel room?” you asked cautiously. “Hanamaki said-”

“Hanamaki told you we had a hotel room?”

“Uh, Hanamaki?” you looked back to him in the rear view mirror curiously.

Hanamaki didn’t even budge. He held his face up with his palms into his eyes still. After a few more seconds, Hanamaki held one finger out and waved it side to side. “Uh, uh. I did not say we had a hotel room. I said we might have one,”

“Might?”

“As in-”

“We forgot to book one!” Oikawa shot his body up, arms opening. He also smacked Hanamaki in the chest and Matsukawa in the head. Both shot aggressive looks then punched his sides. “Ouch!”

“So, I’m taking you…?”

“To any cheap hotels you know, please. We’ll figure it out from-”

“No, wait!” Oikawa whined, looking to Matsukawa as he rubbed his temples.

“What, Oikawa?”

“Iwa-chan still wants to talk to ___-chan! So they need to talk! At her place!”

“Oikawa, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” you tested vigilantly. “I think I should take you guys somewhere where you all can sleep in, no problem. And Hanamaki, how are you going to tell me you do have a place yet you don’t?”

Hanamaki shrugged with a pout. You shook your head with a roll of your eyes and a smile. “I’m drunk, ____-san. I! I could have sworn someone,” his eyes darted to Oikawa. “booked the damn hotel.”

“Hey! I thought-”

“Well, I’m sure we can find something good for-”

“Wait, no! Everyone needs to listen to me!”

“What, Oikawa?!” Matsukawa and Hanamaki glared their eyes into a shocked Oikawa.

“Guys, you’re going to wake up, Hajime,” you said timidly.

“Good! He needs to wake up so you two can talk!”

“Oikawa, it’s still Hanamaki’s birthday, you guys should get to a hotel and have fun still. If it’s important, Hajime and I-”

“We all know that’s not going to happen if you leave now! And,” Oikawa’s voice became lighter, more quiet. “Iwa-chan would get mad at me if I let you walk away. He still thinks about you, that’s why he called. But… What if Iwa-chan won’t call you tomorrow? Or next week? Or ever? Iwa-chan always takes care of everyone else, but when it comes to himself… He doesn’t want to bother anyone. You know that.”

As your eyes met Oikawa’s in the rear view mirror, you could feel his intensity. They pleaded, they were firm, and they were patient. Oikawa could see it clearly, you did want to hear what Iwaizumi had to say. But he knew the both of you were scared. It was different now, the outcomes were going to be different from what you could expect them to be. It was just another reason to not find out what the outcome could be. Fear was powerful.

“You don’t want to hear what Iwa-chan has to say?” Oikawa asked, determined.

“Oikawa, stop. This isn’t your-”

“No!” Oikawa hissed back to Hanamaki. And to your surprise, there was no fight back, even when Oikawa looked to both Hanamaki and Matsukawa. They both sat silent, looking out the window. “It’s like! It’s like I’m the only one who remembers how Iwa-chan was! It’s like I’m the only who cares if Iwa-chan is sad or not! He seems okay, but we all know he’s not!

“Iwa-chan has so much to say to you, ____-chan! Three years worth of things to say! I’m his best friend, and if this means he could be happy again, then dammit I’m going to do all in my power to make him happy! Because those years without you killed him!”

“Oikawa, shut up! You should let Iwaizumi tell ____-san!” Hanamaki growled.

“I’m his best friend! If I let you walk away from him, he’ll hate me for life! And do you know what that means, ____-san? I’ll get beat up for the rest of my life! My face is too gorgeous to withstand that abuse! I’ll never be safe! Each and every time he hits me, he’ll just remember this night as the night ‘the night ____-chan should have stayed but I’ ‘I’ being Iwa-chan, ‘fucked it up,’! I can’t let think that and have it add onto everything else! Iwa-chan can’t have three more years to add to that!”

Oikawa’s burned into the rear view mirror, and into the back of your head. The sound of his breathing buzzed within your ears. They weren’t burning, not like the back of your head, but the feeling in them disappeared. They were numb. Each and every word processed from Oikawa’ mouth just made your body feel empty. Your mind was at a loss. It was like each time you pushed on the gas, break, or turned the wheel, your body did it automatically.

Of course you wanted to hear what Iwaizumi had to say. Maybe he wanted to get back together. Maybe he wanted to move on completely. Either way, Iwaizumi deserved happiness. And so did you. He occupied your mind these past three years just as much as you had occupied his, you assumed. It was safe to assume after this phone call. All along you assumed Iwaizumi never thought about you. He would just eventually get over you, and never want to speak again. Three years had past, so it was safe to assume that would happen. Not the opposite. You would have never assumed Iwaizumi would struggle with the break up just as much as you did. So it made you curious, what did Iwaizumi want to say to you?

You were thinking too much, that was obvious. What could he want? Did he want to get back together? Did he have some leftover things he didn’t get a chance to say to you? What were you going to say if he did want to get back together? How would you react if Iwaizumi had some things you never expected him to say? Did you want the same things?

At one point, yes, but now? You two don’t talk every minute of the day anymore. You didn’t know when Iwaizumi was eating or getting annoyed by Oikawa anymore. You didn’t get to see Iwaizumi fall asleep anymore. Things were different. Completely different. But he was still in your mind. It was hard to take Iwaizumi out of your mind when he had been there for four years. You still went on about your life, with Iwaizumi just in the back of your mind. With college and work, somehow, Iwaizumi found his way into your mind. When you would take a break at work and you remembered it was Tuesday whenever you looked at the time, you would think about the game Iwaizumi would be playing. Was he doing good? How was he doing without Oikawa on the team? Was it still hard for him to adjust to a new setter now that him and Oikawa were on different teams? When you would be at the gym, you would catch yourself doing the work outs Iwaizumi had shown you. It would be three in the afternoon, one hundred degrees outside and ninety in class, and your first thought would be “Iwaizumi wouldn’t be able to stand this heat,”. You didn’t think about how you couldn’t stand the heat. You thought of Iwaizumi before yourself. It was habit, and maybe a little of something more.

People invested time and money into things that made them happy. You invested your time and money into Iwaizumi because he made happy. He made you look forward to the future. Except there was no future after everything.

All that investment, all that love, all that heartbreak after, how could you meet Iwaizumi with a fresh mind? There were so many feelings in this person’s existence that there’s no telling what limits he could do to you or what you would do for him.

“I’ve had my fun,” Hanamaki broke the silence. The three of you looked to Hanamaki. It was then when Hanamaki turned to you with a smile that your fear was evident. You were so fearful of what Iwaizumi had to say. “I’ve had a good birthday. Now… I should be a good friend. Even though I never stopped being a good friend,” Hanamaki’s smile and gaze towards you broke as he went back to glaring his eyes at Oikawa.

“Gek, what!?”

“But you said it was a bad idea for me to come,” you whispered, your mind still at a loss. Your mind was both racing and loss. So much was being processed in your head that you couldn’t process it at all. Iwaizumi’s feelings and then your own. It was still scary. “I… I can’t stay.”

“I didn’t say you had to,” Hanamaki replied. “But it’s whatever you want right?”

Your eyes widened a bit. It is what you want. It’s always what you wanted. But then… What did Iwaizumi want? Did he even get a say? He got his say in the break up last time. No matter what you said, his words were final. There was no changing his mind. He thought it would be the best for you two. Your heart was too clouded by fear and pain, you couldn’t dare to meet Iwaizumi.

—

“Will you guys be okay?” you asked with a small smile. As you walked out the elevator with Oikawa’s arm over your shoulder, Hanamaki and Matsukawa behind you carrying Iwaizumi. You looked to Oikawa full of worry as he stumbled every other step. But even as you tried to help, and he was even leaning on you, he looked away with a pout.

“Oikawa, don’t be rude. Especially after ____-san paid for our hotel room, which you didn’t have to do, again,” Matsukawa huffed as he tossed Iwaizumi a bit with Hanamaki to get a better hold on him.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” you replied back with an awkward smile. But as you looked to Oikawa, your smile had become smaller. “Oikawa, please don’t be mad.”

“Oh, no, I’m not mad,” Oikawa bantered. “I’m not mad at all. I’m glad you’re walking away. Iwa-chan will understand, I’ll just make him understand while he beats me up. I tried, it’s okay.”

“Oikawa, I-”

“No, no, it’s fine ____-chan, it’s been three years. It’s been awhile. You don’t want to get hurt. But I don’t want Iwa-chan getting hurt anymore. I want him to be happy again. I want him to be selfish. But just because he’s asleep, you wont’ let him. It’s fine, I get it, ____-san. You’re busy, we just took up your time. I’m sorry, so sorry, we took away your precious time,”

“Oikawa, stop,” Hanamaki hissed. Maybe he was annoyed because he was drunk holding up his drunk friend, or because he was drunk and was trying to keep his drunk friend from being an ass. You couldn’t hold back a small laugh. You knew Hanamaki was cursing Iwaizumi even more for not being awake because he handled Oikawa’s mouth better than anyone else.

Oikawa fell silent and the only sounds made throughout the hallway were your footsteps. Oikawa still couldn’t walk straight but continued to lean on you for better support. Behind you, you could hear the heavy footsteps of the two as they carried Iwaizumi, a grunt leaving their mouths as they took every step. You tried your best to look forward instead of looking back at Iwaizumi. It would make it even more difficult to leave.

“Here it is,” you said aloud. You inserted the key card and opened up the door. Before you could walk Oikawa in, he walked in himself, each step a stumble towards the bedroom. As he reached the bedroom door, he stepped in one second and the next the door slammed behind him. You sighed, feeling guilty. “I’m sorry,”

“It’s okay,” Hanamaki replied as he and Matsukawa laid Iwaizumi out on the couch. “I’ll go talk to him.”

As Hanamaki closed the door behind him, Matsukawa noticed the way you looked down to the carpet with guilt. When he put a hand on your shoulder, you were shocked to see his comforting smile. “Oikawa’s not mad at you. He probably feels bad for pushing you so much. Its just… I get it.” You didn’t miss the sad smile Matsukawa had as his eyes looked to Iwaizumi. “I know it’s selfish of me to ask, but please understand. I know we never got to hear your side, but Iwaizumi is our friend. We saw him after everything and… It was hard. It’s no one’s fault, we all get that. Including Iwaizumi. But whenever Iwaizumi thought of you, it got too unbearable for him. And he thought about you. A lot. Some days were fine. Those were the times we really thought he was going to be okay and had moved on from everything. The other times, we didn’t know how to help. Words can only get through to someone for so long.

“I know it’s selfish of me to tell you, especially because I know the break up was hard for you. But when Iwaizumi was with you, that was the happiest he’s ever been. And he’s happy now, but it’s not the same. So, again. I know it’s selfish, but please think about. I won’t be here, I’ll go in the room too. So you can think about it. Good night, ____.”

You watched Matsukawa made his way into the room, and just like that you were alone with a sleeping Iwaizumi.

It would be easy to leave. The door was right there. You just had to take one last look and be out the door. And then you would never have to see him again. It would be easy.

But it would eat at you, to never hear what Iwaizumi wanted to say. And you didn’t know if you could live the rest of your life not knowing what he wanted to say.

It was supposed to be easy: Stay or leave. One look to Iwaizumi and one look at the door. Just choose, it’s supposed to be easy. Stay or leave.

Matsukawa had his back against the door, listening in. There were a few footsteps, and then silence. Matsukawa didn’t even realize he was holding his breath until he finally let it out.

I’m sorry, Iwaizumi. I tried to-

“Guys, I need pillows and a blanket too,”

Matsukawa opened his eyes just to meet the other two, equally as stunned. But then, a proud smile grew onto each of their faces.

—

Iwaizumi didn’t have to open his eyes to know his headache was a hangover. Or maybe he was still drunk. Either way, he didn’t want to open his eyes. He didn’t even want to be awake. But the heavy pounding awoke Iwaizumi from his dreams.

Fuck, Iwaizumi thought. I don’t want to be awake.

Iwaizumi brought his forearm over his closed eyes, hoping this would bring him back into his sleep. He just wanted to get back to his dreams, he just wanted to have his mind fall back to you. It was sad to say, but his dreams were better than reality. In some aspects. Almost every aspect. Iwaizumi just wanted to have you back in his life. But the next best thing was his dreams.

And yet, this hangover didn’t want him to dream or sleep at all.

Now that Iwaizumi was awake, he lay there on the couch conscious. Wait, couch? This wasn’t as firm as his bed or as padded as the couch back at his and Oikawa’s apartment. Iwaizumi moved his arm and looked to the wall to the right of him. There was a painting he didn’t recognize. The room was also dark. Even if this was his own living room, there would be a small night light. Oikawa always pestered him about it being too dark whenever he needed a cup of water in the middle of the night, so they got night lights. Either way, there was enough change for Iwaizumi to know this wasn’t his home. So where was he?

Iwaizumi sat up from the couch and immediately, his body felt lighter than usual. His head pounded at the swiftness, causing him to hold the pain. How annoying. Just how much did I drink with the guys last night? Iwaizumi took his hands away and looked to the left. A glass coffee table with a bit of gold vintage designs for the legs. Atop of it was a glass of water and a little white package. Iwaizumi took the package into his hand and read it as some pain killer medicine. Immediately, he opened and swallowed the medicine, taking a sip of water after.  Damn, this medicine needs to work fast.

Even though his head felt as though wooden bats had just hit him twenty times, he felt strange to be alone in a room. Or so he thought, until he heard something shuffle on the couch next to him at his feet. Iwaizumi’s eyes darted to the sound, and left his heart falling into the Earth.

It burned. His chest burned and his breathing had slowed. He must be dreaming. Iwaizumi had to be so drunk, he was drunk in his dreams as well. No way, no way in hell could you be laying on the other couch wrapped up in some blanket… No. Just no, because if it really were you… Iwaizumi wouldn’t be able to tell you everything. He would be a rambling mess. It’s too sudden, he hadn’t gotten his mind straight for this. Iwaizumi didn’t know where to begin with everything to tell you. He didn’t know what he was going to do. Should he just pretend to sleep? But he was going to have to talk to you in the morning. Should he wake you up? What were you even doing here? He could have sworn he was with the guys for Hanamaki’s birthday. Why in the world would you be here? The more he stared, the more it was hard to breath. No way in hell could you be just more than a little of three feet away from him. It’s been three years, and for you to suddenly be here… It’s too surreal.

As you shifted in your sleep a bit, it still wasn’t hitting Iwaizumi that this was real. He still believed this was a dream. And just as you opened your eyes so slowly, Iwaizumi could feel a bit panic. His body froze when your eyes met him.

“Hajime?” you asked sleepily. Iwaizumi watched as you blinked your eyes into focus, his mind completely blank. He could only watch, and hope his heart was going to punch its way out his chest. Iwaizumi has only seen you for about two minutes, and to see your eyes half-lidded look into his eyes and your lips departed a bit, it was like a reliving every night you two had slept next to each other.

“____?” saying your name aloud, made everything concrete. It was like a big box of everything about you fell atop of Iwaizumi. Memories, smiles, your tears, sleepless nights, everything about you filled that box and fell atop of Iwaizumi.

That box opened and spilled into the cracks of his heart when you slowly smiled at him. It was a curse and a blessing all in one. Iwaizumi felt his body relax except for his heart. “Good morning, Hajime.”

Your voice was soft. The tips of Iwaizumi ears warmed as his name left your mouth. It was more than hearing the buzz blare in the gym after he hit for the winning point in a game. It was more refreshing than hearing a newborn’s cry for the first time, the newborn Iwaizumi always imagined you two would share. Hearing your voice say his name was like a boulder landing two inches in front of him as he walked, waking up from the zombie slumber Iwaizumi had lived since the break up.

“What… Are you really here?” it was a small whisper.

As you sat up while huffing a small laugh, you just gleamed more. “Yeah, I promise.”

“Why?” Iwaizumi hesitated.

Iwaizumi flinched to see your smile become a bit disappointed. “You called me,”

“I did?”

“I figured you wouldn’t remember, drinking so much and all,” you eyed Iwiazumi’s cup of water. “Are you still drunk?”

“Yeah, a little,” Iwaizumi admitted with a small laugh. Iwaizumi took the cup of water quickly, drinking the rest of it. Dry throat and all from drinking, and maybe from the nerves. Either way, he couldn’t keep calm. The more he looked at you the more he couldn’t figure out how to act. Yes he was still drunk, and yes he was just doing instead of thinking. It was just… He was too nervous to do anything right now. But it was coming. Because right now, all he wanted was to wrap his arms around you. Iwaizumi wanted to remember the smell of your hair, the feel of you in his arms, and the feel of your voice right next to his ear. Iwaizumi used all his might to banish all these thoughts, but they were strong. Three years stronger than when they first happened.

As Iwaizumi put the empty glass down, he watched you take it and walk to the small kitchen in the hotel room. “Ah, you don’t have to,”

“It’s okay. The more water you drink, the better you’ll feel,” Iwaizumi watched your eyes sway, and he was a bit confused to see you laugh. “You’re swaying.”

He was. Iwaizumi didn’t even realize, he swore the whole time he was still frozen. It was all because of you. Maybe Iwaizumi’s heart just froze from seeing you. But Iwaizumi knew that would never change. In the time he’s known you, you were perfection. And three years later, that fact had not changed. You were still the most beautiful woman alive. Not one woman Iwaizumi has met since could compare to you. Three years since and this was the most his heart as ever felt alive. Iwaizumi had to lean against the couch’s back, his hand holding his head, just to let everything register.

“Hajime?” you asked concerned. Iwaizumi’s eyes darted to you astounded. When did you sit on the couch right next to him? “Do you need to throw up or anything?”

“Dammit,” you couldn’t look more like an idiot, Hajime. “Sorry, I just… This is alot.”

“Don’t worry,” you had a small smile. “Seeing your call surprised me too. Especially you being drunk.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Iwaizumi apologized with a small smile. He was still nervous, but meeting your eyes and smile… He missed them. You could kill him with those eyes and smile, but he wouldn’t complain. The three years you were gone might have as well killed him. But now, here you two were, your eyes and smile right in front of him. Iwaizumi couldn’t control his heart from feeling more… Happy.

“At least you guys had a good time,”

“Yeah, but what about tomorrow morning?” What about when you leave?

“Maybe all four of you will have the fattest headache, maybe you guys will eat the greasiest food for breakfast,” you shrugged contently. “At least you four were together for Hanamaki’s birthday.”

“Speaking of ‘the four of us’, where is-”

“Other room,” you pointed to the door behind Iwaizumi. He looked to it dissatisfied. Slowly, his eyes turned to you.

“They let us out here and they all took the beds? Those idiots, they should have let you take the bed,”

“Well, they insisted on me staying. More like Oikawa insisted I stay,”

“But they took the beds?”

“They were drunk. I wasn’t going to push it anymore. Oikawa was a bit mad at me for almost leaving,”

“But you stayed?” Iwaizumi asked with the raise of his eyebrow. The question was simple, but when it left his mouth, it sounded more heavy.

“Yeah,” you answered slowly. Your eyes slowly looked away. Iwaizumi felt his cheeks warm as he noticed you meddle with your thumbs. He knew you only did that when you were nervous. “Oikawa told me you wanted to talk.”

Iwaizumi’s eyes widened a bit. “You stayed… For that?”

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi didn’t fidget from your pout. “The guys… Well…”

“What?”

“They said it’d be good for you. For you to get whatever you wanted off your chest,” you replied. “We said we would be there for each other, remember?”

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi replied, breathless. And when you smiled, he just wanted to take your face and bring your lips to his. But he can’t. Not anymore.

So that’s why he took his hand back when you placed yours atop his. It stunned the both of you, and Iwaizumi hated how you had a disappointed smile. Because he just hurt you.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done-”

“No,” Iwaizumi interjected. Your eyes shot up to his, hesitant. “No. I’m sorry. It’s just… Fuck, I don’t know what to do.”

“We don’t have to rush. It doesn’t have to be tonight, Hajime. I can wait,”

“But I can’t,” Iwaizumi looked down, his hands cupping his forehead. He wanted to make things right, he wanted everything to be okay. But how? What if you hated him? You had every reason to. He would do everything in his power to change that, but he didn’t know how to change it. “I can’t wait.”

It was silent. Iwaizumi couldn’t handle the look i your eyes, that’s why he held his head. But even then, he could still feel the back of his neck burn from your look. They were the same eyes that made his knee buckle. They were the same eyes that made his heart burst. They were the same eyes he made go red from all the crying you did for weeks because he broke your heart. If Iwaizumi could go back in time, he would. He fucked up, he fucked up. Iwaizumi knows that better than anyone. And he had lived with that truth in the back, left, right, front, inside, outside, above, below, everywhere in his mind for three years. There was not a day that went by that he needed to lock himself in his room and just remember those eyes. Iwaizumi saved one picture on his phone, it was you smiling holding his hand. He remembered every time he looked at the picture that it was actually a really cheesy picture to take, but he felt the need to take a picture of your smile. It was the perfect picture, Iwaizumi couldn’t delete it. But as he stared at it, he just remembered that you would never smile like that at him. Iwaizumi lived everyday remembering he broke that smile. The smile would fade into a frown, and then your eyes cried. Cried and cried and cried, the tears wouldn’t stop. His hands tightened on his head, clenching it as he tried to remember that smile. For three years, Iwaizumi threw himself into his room to try and remember that smile, but as each day passed, it was turning into your tears and the picture became alive just to cry out to him. Why, why why, why did you leave?

“Haji,” Iwaizumi’s head shot up to you, his throat drying and becoming closed. The worry in your eyes made tears fall from his eyes. His lip quivered as he tried to have the words spill from his mouth, but nothing came out.

Iwaizumi froze as he felt you gripped onto his wrists. Your touch was light as you opened his arms. He watched your eyes, the softest eyes he had ever seen. Iwaizumi felt you lean into him and slip your arms under his arms, wrapping them around him. As you held Iwaizumi closer to him and propping your chin just over his shoulder, Iwaizumi could feel himself melting. The feel of you around him, the smell of your hair, the sound of your breathing right next to ear. The tears wouldn’t stop, his jaw clenched tight, trying to hold in the cries.

“I’m here for you,” you whispered lightly. Slowly, Iwaizumi let his arms find you. The position was awkward. You were stretching your back a bit, but it was okay. While you had your legs faced out, Iwaizumi had one knee on the couch and the other leaning against it. You brought a leg over his leg leaning against the couch, allowing yourself to become closer. Iwaizumi brought you into his hold more, bringing his face into the crook of your neck. He held your head close to his, an arm wrapped around your back, as if you were going to fall into Hell. As Iwaizumi silently cried, you turned your head to him a bit. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Please don’t,” Iwaizumi cried. “I fucked up. I broke your heart, after I promised you so many times I would never.”

“Haji, it’s been three years. It’s okay, you-”

“Are you an idiot!?” Iwaizumi responded, enraged as he shook his body. The movement and sudden response startled you. “It wasn’t okay. It never will be okay. I was so in love with you, I should have never done that.”

You brought a hand to the back of Iwaizumi’s head. His hair was still so thick and rough. You thought he would have cut it, but in complete honesty, his haircut would always be a favorite of yours. Or maybe not in complete truth. The complete truth would be Iwaizumi would be your favorite, always.

“I should have never let you,” your hand trembled a bit, Iwaizumi noticed. It calmed his drunk mind. He wasn’t as drunk off of the alcohol anymore.

Iwaizumi was completely drunk off of you. You made his mind boggled. He couldn’t think straight. Iwaizumi was doing stupid shit right now. He couldn’t control his feelings, they were spilling out of him and onto you. But being drunk off of alcohol was so much worse. That was poison. This? Being drunk off you? It was the remedy for his life.

“I should have never thought of breaking up,” Iwaizumi started. He wouldn’t let go of you. Not again. “It was fucking stupid of me to think we had to break up. I thought it would be easier on you, but it was the complete opposite. I broke you. I broke me. I lost you. I almost died without you.”

“No, you didn’t. You’re here, don’t say things like-”

“You don’t know,” Iwaizumi hissed, backing away from you. His angered and pained eyes shook you. You had never seen him so angry, so much hurt. Your hands still held his back as Iwaizumi’s did the same. It was like neither of you could let go. Maybe you both didn’t. “There were too many times I wanted to call, but I just remembered what an idiot I am. I didn’t deserve to hear your voice. Not after I heard how much you cried after we spoke sometimes. I just wanted to remember all the times you smiled. I didn’t want that to turn into shit. But each day after the break up, it got worse.

“You don’t know how many hours I wasted trying to figure out what to do. You don’t know how many times I had to shove Shittykawa off my back to let me be alone, because I didn’t have you anymore. You don’t know how much I hated that I fucked up with you, that I wouldn’t eat, sleep, sometimes breath. ____, you don’t know how much it killed me to lose you.”

“Then why?” It was a fair question. You had every reason to ask. But it was a shriek in Iwaizumi’s ears to hear you cry. “Why did you let me go?”

He watched every tear fall, the way your mouth frowned deeply. And he couldn’t hold back the quiver in his lip. Breathe. Breathe. Just breathe, and tell her.

“Because I was afraid. I was afraid of all the change. We were going to be in a long distance relationship, and you were so excited for college. It…” Iwaizumi sighed, taking his eyes away from yours. He would find something else to look at, but each time he looked for something else, he found himself looking back at you. “It scared me that you would forget me.”

You leaned back, appalled. As soon as you tried leaning away, shifting your leg off almost and taking your hand back, Iwaizumi quickly put a hand on your thigh. “____, wait! I know! Don’t think I’m stupid, I-”

“You were stupid! Are! You are stupid, Haji!” you raised your voice. It was hard to hold in your anger. Of all the reasons, after all the excuses, this was the real reason? Of course you were enraged, Iwaizumi get’s that. He noticed you look to the bedroom door behind him and then looked to the couch. You just didn’t want to look at him. He got that, he understood completely. But he needed you to understand him now.

“I was stupid,” Iwaizumi spoke. He could feel his eyebrows furrow deeply as the regret began to surface again. As Iwaizumi tried his other hand to reach out to you, you looked the other way. You were angry with him. He deserved that. And this was his only chance to fix that, he had to remind himself this. “____, I get it. But I was afraid.” Iwaizumi tugged away at the fear, clenching the fist that laid on your thigh. “I was going to lose you. Either way. You would be so far from me. We had been dating since our third year in middle school. The only distance I knew with you was a phone call and a walk twenty minutes away from home. How was I supposed to go from a twenty minute walk to a seven hour drive?”

“But you’re not Oikawa! How come you couldn’t talk to me!?”

“Because!” Iwaizumi stood up abruptly, taking a few steps, and then breathing out loudly. “Because… It just felt too real.”

Iwaizumi’s head dropped, looking down to his feet. His hands were on his hips as he looked to the bedroom door. No, he wasn’t Oikawa. Yes, he should have told you from the very beginning. Everything would have been different. But fear is a powerful thing.

You stood from the couch, meeting Iwaizumi. He didn’t look at you, nor did he want to. He’s seen enough of your tears and lived through that memory for three years. Iwaizumi couldn’t take that anymore.

“You were selfish to not tell me,” your voice was small. “You should have told me when I fought with you, when I begged you to not do it. You had so many chances to just tell me. You know we would have found a way around it. Haji, I was scared to. I was scared to lose you.”

“You think I wasn’t?” Iwaizumi scoffed as he turned to you. “I was never ready, even when I did break up with you! The words just came out, and everything went to shit!”

“Those can come out your mouth with no control, but not the obvious?! ‘I’m scared to lose you’, ‘Stay with me’, ‘Tell me everything’s going to be okay’, ‘I love you’!? You were so selfish-”

“Yes! I get it! I was selfish! What else do you want me to tell you ____?! You were the best thing in my life! You wrap yourself around my heart and can’t just expect me to not be scared when you were going to be surrounded by everyone else but me!”

“I wasn’t going-”

“Don’t think that you aren’t fucking amazing or gorgeous enough to have any other guy!” Iwaizumi was throwing his hands out in front of him, enraged at the thought. He walked a few steps away but then pivoted to look back at you, his tears just falling and falling. “It was stupid of me to think that, but I did! It was because I was in love with you! It was hard for me to decide and look what happened! I regret it! I threw away the four years we were together because I was scared! And I regret being afraid because I threw away the best thing I ever had and will ever have! I let you go, and I regret it! I have regretted it for the past three years!”

Iwaizumi’s chest was heaving, his mind scattered. This wasn’t how he wanted the moment to go. But then again, he didn’t put into account he would still be drunk.

“I still order black coffee,” your voice chimed. Iwaizumi looked at you and your soft smile, confused. But before he could say anything, you continued. “I get that disgusting cup of bitterness because you like it. Whenever I come home, I always bump into someone from the team. Just earlier in the week I bumped into Kindaichi-chan. And it’s funny, every teammate I bump into, we still do that handshake you all did back in high school. It was always nice when they included me. Honestly, I still have one of your hoodies. I don’t know if you ever noticed-”

“My hoodie from the time we went to Disney Tokyo?”

“Yeah,” you laughed as you scratched your cheek. “That one. I wore it for a whole day once. And at the end of the day, you texted me saying you were pretty bummed you left it at home. I changed out of right after because you were trying to FaceTime a few minutes after you texted me.”

Your laugh was amazing. It was always soft, it reminded Iwaizumi of the cherry blossoms falling. You could melt a frozen planet with your laugh. But when you had a small laugh and your eyes cried, Iwaizumi was stunned. It was like a sad song playing at a wedding. It was somewhat gorgeous, with power. It grounded Iwaizumi, telling him the obvious. Hold me. Hold me, please.

Iwaizumi closed the gap between you two. As you silently cried, you leaned into his arms as he wrapped you. And there was that feeling again, his arms around you, the smell of your hair, the sound of your voice ringing in his ear.

“Haji, I always regretted that I didn’t fight you more to stay, because I believed in us more than any deity. I always regretted letting me think that we had to stop being friends because I would annoy you. I never wanted to admit this to you, but it was so confusing at first when we became friends again. I just wanted to tell you how much I missed you, but it felt like I wasn’t allowed to. I was still so in love with you,” Iwaizumi’s face as you rubbed your face into his chest, shaking and denying what was to come. “Hajime, I was so selfish when it came to you. I just wanted you. Haji, I’ve missed you so much. I wasn’t ready to let go… I’m still not ready to let go.”

Iwaizumi slowly looked down to you, meeting your crying eyes. Please, don’t mind my heart. Don’t pay attention to how it’s kicking and punching to get out of my chest. “____, I was never… I never wanted to let go.”

He brought his calloused hands to your face, wiping away his tears. Iwaizumi wiped away them away, leaning in closer. Your eyes called to him, begging him.

“Don’t,” you breathed.

“You crazy,” Iwaizumi whispered. He wiped the hairs out your face. Iwaizumi began to hold your hair back, then your face, bringing his forehead to yours. And it felt like his heart was dissolving. There was no more ear shattering pounding in his chest, the burning had evaporated. Iwaizumi finally felt truly okay. “You’re crazy if you think I’m letting you get away again.”


	2. Kindaichi Yuutarou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drunk calls from your ex-boyfriend and the feelings you get when he confesses he's still in love with you, despite what's happened.

Kindaichi smiled the whole night. He shared laughs with all his coworkers. The conversations were different, the drinks continued to slide right in front of him and his coworkers and time continued to move. Before Kindaichi realized, he was sitting alone at the bar at 2:45 AM, with a beer in hand. Silently he continued to drink as he laughed at the Polaroid pictures in front of him. He had split the pictures that were taken with his coworkers and picked the ones he liked. One stood out in front of him most, causing him to grow a smile.

It was a picture of him, laughing along with his coworker. Kindaichi’s coworker had his back to the camera, so it only showed the candid smile Kindaichi grew. As he stared at the picture, he couldn’t help but remember something. He looked up to the bar’s clock and hummed. Kindaichi fished through his pocket for his phone while he brought his collection of memories into the other pocket. After securing his pictures, he brought the phone to his ear as soon as he dialed a number.

“Yutaro, what are you doing up?” you asked with a laugh.

“Oi, oi, can’t even say hi?” Kindaichi laughed. He brought the glass to his lips, wiping away the suds. Kindaichi nodded to the bartender as he left a tip and walked out the hotel bar. “But I’m my work conference, remember?”

“But it’s almost three in the morning in America, you’re still working?” you asked curiously.

Kindaichi hummed as he walked a bit with a wobble. “Nope, I’m just drunk, walking back to my hotel room.”

Now you were the one to hum. “Ah, that explains why you’re talking funny. By yourself?”

“No, no, I’m not a lonely drinker. Much,” Kindaichi laughed with a lazy smile. He was feeling the alcohol more than he expected. “I drank with my coworkers. I’m the last one to leave.”

Kindaichi entered the elevator, thankful no one was inside as he entered. He leaned against the wall, his smile still growing but lazy. His body was warm, it felt relaxed.

“Wow, saved calling your ex-girlfriend for when you’re alone, huh?” you teased. “You didn’t want to confess any leftover feelings in front of your coworkers? Worried you were going to get rejected on the spot?”

“N-No!’ Kindaichi rejected with an awkward smile. But then he sighed and Kindaichi laughed as he shook his head. “Of course not, I’m not that silly. You’re funny, ____.”

“You always say that when I tease you. One day I’m actually going to get you,” you chimed.

“That’s going to be kind of hard when you suck at jokes,” Kindaichi said in a sing-song tune. “Actually, did I call you at a bad time?”

“No, I was just getting ready,” you informed. As if on cue, Kindaichi could hear the ruffling of the phone on the other end. As he heard your voice, it echoed a bit. “I’m going to put you on speaker.”

“I’m a bit surprised, ____. You don’t want to FaceTime this time?”

Kindaichi looked up, watching the numbers get closer to his hotel floor. As the elevator beamed, the doors opened for Kindaichi. He exited, making his way to his room.

“Are you in your room?” you asked joyfully. Kindaichi knew you always loved to FaceTime. You always said it made the conversation real. And right now, there was nothing more than he wanted than for you to actually be in front of him.

“About to be,” Kindaichi replied. “Did you want

to actually just start now, ____?”

“Sure!”

As Kindaichi took the phone back from his face, it immediately began to ring, exposing his face. His face twisted at how red he had become. Kindaichi’s face had also looked too relaxed. As Kindaichi removed the keycard to his room, he shrugged with a smile. It wasn’t like you haven’t seen worse of him.

Kindaichi’s thumb went over the green button and was welcomed by your face. He didn’t know what to expect, but seeing your face with make up that wasn’t your usual natural look took him back a bit. Maybe you had something big. Maybe a date… Inside his mind he shook the thought away and matched your smile.

“Hi there,” Kindaichi greeted with a wide smile and closed eyes. As he heard your laughter, he looked to you with the tilt of his head. “What?”

“You’re more drunk than I thought,” you commented.

“Well, I am drunk so it’s okay to look drunk,” Kindaichi countered, snapping his finger then pointing to you.

Kindaichi couldn’t deny that your laughter still caused his smile to be biggest. And after a few silent seconds looking at each other through the camera, you blinked with your nose scrunching up. “You are a lightweight. I can’t believe you forgot that.”

“You’re a lightweight too,” Kindaichi countered with a pout. He took a glance away from the FaceTime call and hopped onto the bed. When he returned his eyes to the call, he smiled widely to your smile. As he turned his head, Kindaichi felt the room move too swiftly. “Man I really am drunk.”

“You okay?” you asked, a little alarmed. Kindaichi always adored when you worried about him. But now wasn’t the time to get excited. Was it?

“It’s okay. I’ll be okay. I’m just… I’m just too drunk in my room,” Kindaichi hiccuped with a lazy smile. He was thinking he couldn’t get excited about your worry, but his expressions would be giving him away faster. “Oh yeah, I called you to show you this.”

Quickly, Kindaichi grasped the picture out of his pocket and held it up to his face. He smiled widely, as if trying to copy the candid smile of himself. You ignored his failed attempt since your eyes were glued to the picture.

“Wow, you’re actually smiling,” you sounded more stunned than he expected. Kindaichi shrugged mentally and decided to ignore it.

“I know. Told you I could smile. You always teased me about how I never knew how to smile!”

“Well it was true!” you teased. “But it really is a good picture of you, Yutaro. Wonder what your co workers had to do to make you smile like that.”

“It was the drinks, definitely,” Kindaichi informed with a smile. He placed the picture on his night stand and returned his eyes to you. “And maybe a joke or something. But mainly the drinks!”

“I wish I can get as drunk as you tonight.”

“You’re going out?”

“Yeah, remember? I’m getting ready.”

“Oh. Oh yeah,” now that Kindaichi was having a better look, you did have makeup on. It was simple. Kindaichi could see pinks and a little glitter atop your eyelids and a clean look all along your face. It was so simple, yet you were too gorgeous. “So perfect.”

As quick as Kindaichi said the words, he shut his mouth into an awkward line. Surprisingly, you had no reaction. You hadn’t heard.

“So, what do you think?” you sang. Suddenly, your face disappeared and changed to a view of you in a mirror. You twirled left and right to show the dress off. You moved your curled hair off your chest to show the strapless maxi dress. From the top to the mid stomach of the dress fitted your body. From then to your legs, the dress flowed with light cherry blossom pink silk fabric underneath a chiffon layer with sparkling accents within it. You poked at the one side of your hair that was tucked behind your ear, showing the gold statement necklace better. The more Kindaichi stated the more he had to control himself. Whether it was the alcohol or his mind, he couldn’t let himself look a fool.

“You… You look really beautiful,” Kindaichi responded quietly. He didn’t miss the way you abruptly stopped twirling nor did he miss your smile ascend slowly. But the more Kindaichi stared, the more he couldn’t help but realize something. “Hey, I bought that dress.”

A smile appeared on your face. “You remembered,” you voice was soft, effortless. You never had to put much effort in being an angel.

“What was it for again? Our anniversary? No, wasn’t there a work banquet I had? No…” Kindaichi asked timidly, scratching his cheek awkwardly. He felt looser, the alcohol making him more laxed. But that didn’t mean Kindaichi wanted to offend you for forgetting important days. Even if broken up, those were important days for him as well. He just couldn’t dwell on those days as often anymore. But to his surprise, you greeted Kindaichi with a smile.

“You were right,” you replied softly. Suddenly the camera pointed back to your face closer. Your smile much closer. “It was for our anniversary.”

“Ah, our third one,” Kindaichi smiled. “I made reservations, bought the dress, and bought you everything you wanted.”

“Yeah,” you hummed, lost in memories from another life. “Almost everything.”

Both your eyes widened to the slip of your tongue. Kindaichi felt a stab to the heart, feeling the hurt in your eyes and the slap from your words. He knew their meant to be no offense in the words, but Kindaichi couldn’t help the feeling that they were a bit intentional.

“Yutaro, I-”

“It’s okay, I deserve that,” Kindaichi cautioned a bit as he smiled awkwardly. “We did break up for a reason. It was easier then, huh?”

“Yutaro, you didn’t deserve that. Please, don’t think that,” you were frowning. It had been awhile since Kindaichi met that expression. It made his stomach jump and twist within itself.

“____…” Kindaichi wished he could hold your face just like before whenever you were sad. He just wanted to see your smile. “Please don’t be sad anymore. We broke up so you could smile more.”

“No we didn’t,” you countered. “We broke up because I was-”

“You weren’t happy with me. We broke up so you could find someone to make you happy,” Kindaichi couldn’t force the smile anymore. His face began to twist, his heart feeling the most pain.

“What? Yutaro, no. Why would you-”

“That’s why you’re dressed up right?”

“What? No!” you snapped. “Where did you get that idea!? Yutaro, we just broke up two months ago! Who do you think-”

“Wait, shit,” Kindaichi gulped, covering his face. He sat up in the bed, but as soon as he sat up, his body leaned too much forward. He was still drunk. Kindaichi held his face with a groan. “____, I’m sorry, wait. I don’t know where it’s coming from!”

“It’s because your ass is drunk!”

“Please, I don’t want to argue. I’m-”

“We don’t need to argue! We’re not even together, Yutaro! Even if we’re not together, you can’t get jealous anymore! We-”

“You expect me to not be in love with you still!?” Kindaichi fumed. His booming voice brought quakes into his mind. Kindaichi definitely needed to hold his head up. Or maybe it was just an excuse to not look at you. Kindaichi couldn’t bear to see what your face would be like after he had just raised his voice at you for the first time.

Kindaichi never felt such anger. His fist clenched into his phone didn’t dismiss the anger any better, nor did clenching his jaw. Kindaichi tried anything he could think of to rid his anger, besides lashing out on you. But as each word replayed in his head, every possible look of his you could have on your face just made him want to throw his phone at the hotel wall. Kindaichi never wanted to those words. They were the biggest weight on his shoulder, but you were right. Kindaichi had no right to ask such things.

“I… I’m sorry, ____,” Kindaichi hadn’t moved his arm. He couldn’t look at you. Not after everything he just did. “I didn’t mean to raise my voice at you.

Slowly, memories flooded Kindaichi’s mind and heart. Instead of being on the phone, he loved holding your face when you were sad. Especially when you lay next to him, his arm around you, his other hand caressing your cheek. His heart ached to see you so sad in his arms, but to have you there. To be able to caress your cheek. Being the reason you smiled after such pains. It brought a warmth that nothing else could bring to his life.

“I just miss you more than I thought,” Kindaichi said so quietly, his smile full of nostalgia.

Maybe confessing was a mistake. Continuing to be friends after a break up, it’s hard. He never wanted to lose you. So it felt right to remain friends. It was hard, still having feelings for you. It just continued to pile on and on as time went on. But being able to tell you now… It made Kindaichi feel more content. Yes, he was nervous to meet your eyes when he had to. Yes, he felt uncomfortable with the silence you gave him. And yes, Kindaichi was utterly terrified at the thought that you would be out of his life completely, but after everything… After being able to tell you he was still in love with you, he would be happy with anything.

“Yutaro,” you were stunned. “You… Are you-”

“Don’t worry about it, ____,” Kindaichi finally raised his head and looked you in the eyes. His eyes were a bit strained from having the balls of his hand in his eye sockets, so Kindaichi could barely make out your expression. He was a bit tired too. Kindaichi didn’t even want to look at the clock to know how late it had gotten. “Listen, ____, I think it’s time for me to head to bed. I’m sorry about this phone call too, by the way. I shouldn’t have-”

“Yutaro!” Kindaichi stopped speaking. He could see the way you hesitated. “Are you… Are you only saying that because you’re drunk?”

Kindaichi took a second to gather his thoughts. “I always thought that. Ever since we broke up. I guess the alcohol just brought it out of me.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” you asked immediately.

“Well… We broke up. It would complicated things,”

“You still could have told me,”

“It wouldn’t have done any good for us,”

“I know but… I miss you too,” Kindaichi’s eyes widened. “What? It hasn’t been easier for me either.”

“But… You wanted this.”

“I know, but you said it yourself,” you meddled with your hair as you took a deep breath. “Do you expect me to not be in love with you still?” Kindaichi couldn’t find his words once he started hearing you hold back tears. “It’s been more hard too, since you’re all happy and smiling with your co-workers.”

It finally hit Kindaichi. He had been such a fool for so long. “You know, ____… I know it was hard to be away from each other. We didn’t get to wake up next to each other anymore, it was hard figuring out when we could even talk because of the time differences, and I know it was especially hard not being able to start the family we kept talking about.” You cried freely now. There was no holding back. “But I was working hard for you. I still wanted the same things that we planned for our future. It was just going to be longer than what you had wanted to get the promotion.

“I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I didn’t give you ring in time. I’m sorry we couldn’t have a baby yet. I wanted you to be my wife and I wanted you to carry my child. But I wanted to have those things when we didn’t have to struggle with money. I wanted to be able to give you more than just a ring and child. I wanted to give you a home. Maybe if it was just a little longer, we could have had those things. The promotion didn’t happen yet,” Kindaichi had a dry laugh. He was trying his best not to tear up. But he couldn’t look at you while he heard you crying. “But I feel that promotion coming soon.”

“Yutaro, you’re an idiot,” Kindaichi’s eyes found your crying ones. “I should be the one apologizing.”

“W-Why?”

“Because I was such an idiot. I still am,” you started. “I was so impatient with you instead of appreciative. You spent so many hours at the office, took every business trip, and added onto your work load for some stupid diamond ring I wanted. I should have said thank you instead of asking when you would drop down to one knee. I should have given you more. I should have smiled at your hard word and spoiled you when you came to the apartment instead of rubbing my empty belly. I was so selfish only thinking about myself. Yutaro… Yutaro, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t a better girlfriend.”

There weren’t enough words to give you to ease your tears, Kindaichi knew this. He lay there, eyes fluttering from his drunk and tired body. He hadn’t realized when he laid back down. But seeing your eyes cry in such a long time, it kept Kindaichi awake. All he wanted was to hold you, wipe those tears away. Kindaichi didn’t want you to blame yourself.

“It’s okay,” Kindaichi whispered. Your eyes met his half lidded, tired ones. Even as you cried, you were surprised to see such a content smile on Kindaichi’s face. “You don’t have to cry, ____. We’re okay.”

Kindaichi watched you wipe away tears as his vision began to blur. He fought his tiredness, Kindaichi had to see you smile. Even though you two were friends, he still cared for you. He was still  in love with you, so much. Kindaichi just wanted you to be happy.

“Hey,” Kindaichi spoke quietly. You stared into his soft brown jewels. “You had plans remember? You should get going. You might need to redo your make up, I kind of messed it up.”

“Yutaro,” Kindaichi’s eyebrows raised a bit. “It’s not a date. It’s Mumei-chan’s birthday. We’re going to dinner with the rest of the girls.”

Kindaichi felt a bit guilty to show you such a relieved smile, but it was true. He wasn’t quite ready to acknowledge a new man in your life. “I’m sorry I assumed earlier. But have fun, okay? You look too beautiful to not have fun.”

There it is. Your beautiful smile. Suddenly, the pillows underneath Kindaichi’s head felt more comfortable, almost like your lap. He missed sleeping atop your lap whenever he got so tired. Kindaichi’s eyes began to flutter, his smile going into his sleep.

“Good night, Yutaro,”

“Good night, ____,”

The phone beeped once Kindaichi’s thumb met the red button, letting him fall into his slumber.

—

You stirred the soup in the pot as you heard your phone alert you of a new message. A curious look appeared onto your face as you looked to your phone. The screen was lit brightly, as if it was begging you to look at it. And as you looked to the screen closer, a gasp left escaped your mouth.

_Kindaichi Yutaro: I finally got my promotion._


	3. Bokuto Koutarou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drunk calls from your ex-boyfriend and the feelings you get when he confesses he's still in love with you, despite what's happened.

“Yahoo!” Bokuto and Kuroo hollered as they finished gulping down their drinks. The both of them had matching red cheeks and wide grins. Akaashi and Kenma shared the same look of disapproval to the two.

“Kuroo, I’m not cleaning up your vomit when we get home,” Kenma said with a pout.

“Oh c’mon Kenma,” Bokuto whined as he wrapped an arm over Kenma’s shoulders. Kenma only shrugged his shoulders and deepened his pout. “We’ve only had, like, five beers and five shots! We, we, we just wanna have fun!”

An innocent smile, but also fake. Kenma knew this, but there was no fighting it. It had been like this for seven days. The excess drinking, the forced smiles, the ignorance. Kenma could only sigh, defeated.

“Bokuto-san, please stop leaning this way. You are making my drink spill,” Akaashi grunted, grasping onto his drink a bit tighter. Not like it made a difference. As Bokuto looked behind his shoulder, his body shifted to where Akaashi’s arm had jerked, spilling a third of his drink atop the bar table and his hand.

“Ah, so sorry Akaashi!” Bokuto jerked off of Kenma and raised both arms to the bartender. The bartender looked over to Bokuto with an uninterested face as he wiped a few shot glasses. “Could you get my friend the same drink please? Two actually!”

“Bokuto-san, you don’t need to do-”

“And two more beers for me and my friend here, too! Kenma do you want another?”

“Bokuto, stop. You’re spending too much-”

“Ah, just get him another of that apple pie punch drink thing please, bar keep!”

“Woah, bro. You gotta slow down. We’re already drunk. H-How… How are we going to get home safe if we’re too drunk?” Kuroo asked with a dazed look. Kenma shook his head, Akaashi mimicking him as Bokuto looked to Kuroo shocked.

“You-You’re right! We’re going to have to call a cab! We’re going to be too fucked-”

“You idiots, we all rode in the same car. Akaashi or I can drive,” Kenma informed. It was rare to see Kenma grow a vein down his forehead. That only happened when he was extremely irritated or angered. Kuroo knew this even as he was extremely intoxicated. “So stop ordering drinks. You’re wasting money and I don’t want to babysit two idiots tonight.”

“Ah, but Kenma-”

“Bokuto, stop. Kenma’s going to leave us in the street,”

“Who cares about money when I’m with my guys?” Bokuto placed an arm over Akaashi’s shoulder now, grinning from ear to ear. “Well, I’ll be back! Gotta use the bathroom!”

Before any of them could offer guidance, Bokuto darted off to the bathroom. And before Kuroo could make a comment, Kenma and Akaashi gave Kuroo a look of disapproval. As Kuroo flinched back, the bartender had brought the numerous drinks Bokuto had ordered earlier. Their look only darkened.

“W-What? What did I do?!”

“I told you not to encourage him,” Kenma conceded.

“I told him to take it easy,” obviously that reasoning didn’t work with Kenna or Akaashi since they both shook their head. “I’m a good friend!”

“Good friends don’t take their broken-hearted friend out everyday, especially to a bar,” Kenma responded.

“Okay, first of all, he invited m-me tonight,”

“He invited all of us, Kuroo-san,”

“Second of all-”

“Kuroo…”

“I’m here! …to make sure he doesn’t stay curled up in bed, getting depressed over ____-san,”

“Kuroo,” this time Kenma’s voice was more stern.

“Lastly,” Kuroo held his hand against his chest with a flamboyance flare. “It’s only been a week. Bo’s allowed to get crazy for the first few-”

“Hours?” Akaashi interjected. “Bokuto-san managed to get a hole in the middle of his wall.”

“He was drunk. Bo always messes with fire any-”

“Kuroo-san,” Kuroo met Akaashi’s glaring eyes. “A hole. In an entire wall of his apartment.”

“He’s lucky he didn’t get evicted,” Kenma added.

“You’re not helping me, Kenma,”

“Were supposed to be helping Bokuto-san,” Akaashi reminded the drunken cat. As Akaashi fished cash out his of wallet and onto the bar table, he spoke slowly yet stronger. “We are leaving tonight and making sure Bokuto-san doesn’t get-”

“Hey, hey, hey!”

“Oh no,” Kenma and Akaashi slowly turned to the noise with immediate remorse. Maybe it wasn’t too late to head home.

“I’m with my-Ah! My friends! Here they are!” It was too late to head home. Bokuto ran from what looked to be the bar’s bouncer to his three friends with a nervous, overly energetic smile. The three looked to the bouncer with matching smiles.

“Bokuto, what did you DO?” Kenma hissed between his teeth, shooting glaring eyes. Akaashi and now Kuroo were glaring as well. Kuroo liked having a fun time, but he was having a bad feeling. A real bad feeling.

“Huh? Oh, I might have-”

“That’s definitely him! That’s the creep!”

The group’s eyes shot to the bouncer, who was not grouped with two other females. Angry females who had their arms crossed with flustered faces.

“Bokuto, I’m going to ask you again. What. The. Hell-”

“Okay, okay! Just listen,” Bokuto yelped with hands up defending. He took a second to reply as the angry girls began to walk down the stairs toward the guys. Bokuto looked to his enraged friends, to the stomping girls, then back to his friends. He continued to repeat this process until… “Run!”

“W-Bokuto!”

“Hey, get back here you pervert!”

“Bokuto-san! We can’t-”

“Fuck it, let’s go!”

In a blink of an eye, the three followed the black and white haired, sprinting out the door. Quickly, the bouncer jumped down the stairs and made his way through the crowd of the bar towards the door before the four could get away, but as Kuroo leapt out the door, he kicked a garbage can down in front of the door. As he followed behind the other three, the bouncer reached the door, just to watch them all escape.

As soon as all four of them were out of harm’s way, their runs slowed to a jog then a complete stop, trying to catch their breath. Unlike Bokuto and Kuroo, Kenma and Akaashi had decided to spend their time outside of school to work in their internships toward their career goals. Bokuto and Kuroo still thrived to be the best of the best in volleyball, Bokuto attending the Japan’s National Olympic Volleyball team’s practice and Kuroo on his college first string team. But running and being intoxicated at the same time is a different result.

In only a week, Bokuto had caused more trouble than anyone would imagine. Unintentional of course. But these mishaps were happening due to drinking almost every day. And at first, almost everyone said it was okay.

“He just got broken up with.”

“It’s only been a few days.”

“Bokuto should have a little fun.”

But how much longer were these incidents okay?

“Man! I thought we were almost done for!” Bokuto panted with a gleaming smile. He turned to his panting friends trailing behind him. “So where do you guys want to drink now?”

“Bokuto-san, I think it’s better if-”

“Home,” Kuroo interjected as he panted with his fists on his hips, his head looking up into the sky. Usually Kuroo would respond with a laugh or his signature smirk. But as he looked to Bokuto, Kuroo’s eyes stared blankly. It was a hard read. But it sent a chill down the three of his friend’s spine. “We’re all going home, Bo.”

“Kuroo, but it’s only eleven. Let’s-”

“Yeah, and we’re all going home,” Kuroo said sternly. Kuroo stood tall and concrete as he put his fists into the hoodie of his jacket.

Bokuto didn’t like how Kuroo was being. So he stood tall as well and took a step closer to Kuroo. “What’s up, Kuroo?”

“Bokuto-san, please-”

“No, hold on, Akaashi,” Bokuto didn’t remove his eyes from Kuroo. “Kuroo’s my brother. I thought he’d be cool with shit when I get too crazy,”

“Bokuto, you’re drunk. Stop-”

“But the way Kuroo’s talking to me, it’s like I’m some-”

“Kid,” Kuroo finished, taking a step towards Bokuto. There was a slight bit of fear in Kenma and Akaashi. Akaashi had never heard Kuroo speak so slowly yet powerfully, so it was understandable for him to feel meek. But when he looked over to Kenma who was just as shook, Akaashi had a strange feeling in his gut. Especially when Bokuto felt more anger linger in his body.

“What? Me, a fucking kid?”

“Yeah, you heard me, a fucking kid.”

“You’re my bro, we’re supposed to be having fun. I thought you wanted to hang out with me and-”

“Yeah, hang out, not baby sit you! And especially not hold your hand while throwing a tantrum because your girlfriend dumped you!”

“Kuroo, stop,” Kenma advised, a bit worried. One look at the two of them and it was obvious this wasn’t going to end pretty.

“What did you say?!” Bokuto yelled, taking a handful of Kuroo’s shirt.

“Bokuto-san, stop!” Akaashi said as he put a hand on Bokuto’s shoulder.

“Bokuto, you’ve been acting out too much! Dammit, it’s only been a week, but you’re not supposed to get this out of hand!”

“I’m always this out of-”

“No! No, you’re fucking not,” Kuroo shoved Bokuto’s chest, forcing Bokuto to let go. Kenma and Akaashi stood next to the other two, eyeing each other then the angered ones with worried eyes. “You get crazy. But you don’t get stupid! Running out of the bar was stupid! You would have talked to those girls and apologized! You would have apologized to the bouncer and the bartender! But you were being stupid and ran out the bar!”

“And you guys followed! You guys are just as-”

“No, we followed behind you because we’re your friends! Even when you’re stupid, we’ll be there for you! But now it’s time to say it to your face!” Bokuto flinched at Kuroo’s last words. “Go. Talk. To. ____-san.”

At the mention of your name, the air became heavy.

“Shut up,” Bokuto warned, just quietly under his breath. His eyes lowered and his fists clenched tightly.

“Man up, Bokuto,”

“Shut up, Kuroo,”

“Kuroo, stop. He’s going to-”

“Kenma, I got this,” Kuroo responded as his eyes turned to Kenma. At that, Kenma’s worry softened, but as both their eyes landed on Bokuto, Kenma felt a bit uneasy again. Bokuto didn’t flinch. He continued to look to the ground. “Talk to us, man. What the hell happened between-”

“What the hell, I thought you guys were my friends,” Bokuto said slowly. But everyone could see his trembling, especially Akaashi. When Akaashi tried to reach out a hand, Bokuto held a hand up to stop him. As his eyes darted to Akaashi, everyone froze. “You guys aren’t supposed to bring up stupid shit like that!”

“We are your damn friends, that’s why we’re bringing, ____-san up!” Akaashi was now the one to speak sternly. He couldn’t help it, he had been fed up with Bokuto’s mess. The fierceness in Akaashi’s voice made Bokuto flinch. “It isn’t like you to not say anything about the break up. Whenever you two fought, we would be the first to know. Every single detail. But you just show up to the apartment, worrying all three of us! You don’t say a word, you just insist we go out and continue to keep going out. Just the mention of her and you shut us out! So say it now, what happened with you and ____-san, Bokuto-san?”

Bokuto’s face twisted at each word. His face only twisted more as he looked to each of his friends, looking lastly at Kenma. Kenma could never be mad, at least to what Bokuto knew. But somehow, even as Kenma stood with hands in his pockets and a bit timid, Bokuto just knew that he was standing behind what Kuroo and Akaashi were saying.

“Kenma?” Bokuto voice cracked.

Kenma never seemed mad, and he never was. Frustrated at best, with a mix of worry. But Kenma was also level headed. He knew what to say and when to say what. “Bokuto, you’ve been different since the you two broke up. I understand if you’re a bit lost, and we are your friends. We’ll help you through whatever. But we can’t help you at best if you won’t let us. Drinking and ignoring what needs to be faced isn’t best for you. So just talk to us.”

Bokuto felt his heart become heavy. He looked to Akaashi, and he responded with a sigh. “You’re drinking every night at the apartment and then going out just to drink. You wake up with a hangover but go to school and practice as if everything is fine. Kenma-san is right, you haven’t been acting yourself, Bokuto-san. We would never hear the end of the break up, but it was quite the opposite that happened. We had to figure out that you two broke up because you suddenly changed your routine. All you want to do is drink, and at first it was okay. But… We’re worried about you. Yes, we wanted to have your fun, we thought it was a nice distraction. Anything to help you with your break up. But it’s gotten too much.”

“Bokuto,” Kuroo now spoke. “You’re my bro. And I’ll be there for you, whatever you need. And this is what you need. You need to stop holding everything in.”

It was silent. All their eyes were on Bokuto, whose lips quivered. As he opened them, he tried finding the words, but they couldn’t just come out. Only a frustrated groan left his mouth as he pulled on his hair. Bokuto fell to his knees, and the tears fell. Akaashi knelt down to his side, a hand on his back.

“Bokuto-san…” Akaashi trailed off, his heart feeling heavy.

“I… I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to you guys,” Bokuto cried. “I never knew what to say when ____ and I broke up because it was so fucking… Stupid. No matter what I said, she went along with. I would say I wanted to stay with her or break up, she just agreed to anything. It got all so confusing, but all I could think was if she even loved me… She never… She never made it clear once I said everything.”

“Did you tell her that?” Kuroo probed.

Bokuto shook his head. “I’m so fucking lost. I don’t know what to say to her,”

“Do you want her back?”

All eyes were on Kenma. He stared at Bokuto, blank faced.

“I… I broke up-”

“Yes, I know. But do you want her back?”

Bokuto looked back down at the ground his knees fell on, his mind clustered. And as he stood, turning to walk away, he continued as he felt everyone’s confusion stare into his back.

“Bokuto, where are you going? The apartment is-”

“I have to tell her right?”

The three of them looked to each other then Akaashi began making his way to Bokuto. “Bokuto-san, it’s about to be twelve. It’ll be inconvenient for-”

“I need to tell her. It’s now or never,” Bokuto looked back with a broken smile to his friends. It made their hearts become heavy, their faces worry. “I need to know what she was thinking.”

Slowly, Bokuto walked away from his friends. Kuroo and Akaashi removed their eyes as Kenma sighed. “That ended prettier than I thought.”

—

The dark sang to you. It wasn’t loud, but it was soothing. Something that soothed your soul. But only for a little while.

A loud rumble entered your dreams. It made you toss and turn, until the rumbling enveloped your darkness. It forced you to awaken, your eyes slowly opened, meeting the moonlight. Also meeting a rumbling from your phone. You blinked at your phone as it lit brightly in the moonlight.

“Just when I thought I could sleep,” your voice trailed, as you noticed the name.

One missed called from Bokuto Koutarou

“Koutarou?”

Your phone buzzed again.

One voicemail from Bokuto Koutarou

There was that burn in your chest again. It was there when all the mayhem started, and it never quite left. At times it felt cooled, but then other times it would invade your space, setting your chest on fire. All the distance, the mysteries between the two of you, and all the fears. It made the burning come to life. Once you two broke up, it was fair to assume the burning would go away. That was a naive thought.

The pain stayed and Bokuto left.

Again, your phone rang. It hadn’t even been a full minute since Bokuto left the voicemail. You watched the phone ring until the last one to decide to pick up.

“Koutarou?”

Your heart was beating as if you were in an ambulance. Each second longer, the blaring of the sirens grew louder, making the beating in your heart feel in between your ears.

“Why did you never say ‘No’?” Bokuto blurted out. He didn’t even let you finish his name.

Hearing his voice for the first time since he stormed out of your apartment felt so foreign. Especially because he wasn’t angry. The last month of your relationship together, Bokuto just seemed angry almost everyday. But hearing Bokuto speak just… Contently, it felt like a refresher. “…What?”

“Well, you said no. But you always just went along with what I said. I guess… I guess what I’m supposed to ask is ‘Why did you never tell me what you wanted?’” Bokuto jabbered. “You never… Oh god, hold-”

You could hear Bokuto vomitting.

“Kou? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” you asked as you sat up in bed.

Bokuto coughed and you could hear him sound out syllables. He hesistated. “Nothing. I’m fine. But, uh, ____, can you-”

“Kou, I know we just broke up. But I still know when you’re lying,” you said with a hesitant laugh.

Bokuto had a dry laugh. “You never told me what you wanted, but you always watched out for me. You were a good girlfriend, you know that?”

“But you broke up with me,”

Your eyes widened at the words that left your mouth. They were unintentional. It was a bit silent.

“Kou, I-”

“Ah, that’s what I get. I am pretty fucking drunk. I mean, hey, I am sitting on the side of the road while calling my ex girlfriend,” Bokuto laughed.

“You’re drunk? On the side of the street? Koutarou, do you need me to get you?”

Now that you paid more attention on Bokuto rather than your heart, he was speaking a bit lazily. And it was more obvious when Bokuto ignored your question. “I even got into a fight with the guys. They were actually super mad at me. Not that I didn’t deserve it. I mean, I’ve been a jack ass. And like-”

“Koutarou,” you spoke more sternly. Bokuto’s lips hummed. “Do you need me to come get you?”

“I… Uh, I don’t know,” Bokuto sighed. “I don’t… I don’t know what I’d do if I would see you, honestly.”

You flinched. “What, would you hurt me or something? Because I can handle you-”

“What?” Bokuto asked appalled. You were joking, but from the sound of his voice, he was legitimately concerned that you were actually fearful of him. “You think I would do something like that?”

“No, no,” you corrected him immediately. “I…” you wanted to joke a little more just to make the situation feel more at ease. But hearing Bokuto just speak and not yell at you, you felt better to confess some things. “I just thought you were mad at me still, Koutarou.”

You focused hard on the phone call. The more you focused, the more you could hear everything. The bustling people walking passed Bokuto, his quieted breathing becoming louder and hesitant. He was definitely drunk. You wondered where he was. Maybe a park, or some street outside the bar. But the more you thought of where he could, the more you became worried. You just wanted to see Bokuto, just to know if he was safe.

“I’m sorry, Koutarou… I just… I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what you would want to say to me… I thought you said it all. So it kind of threw me off that you’re calling,” It was the truth. Even though it had only been a week, it was like you never met Bokuto. He vanished right out of your life with no complaints. Just hearing his voice now was alien. Everything was different now. Bokuto wasn’t the sunshine you awoke to whenever he had slept over. Bokuto wouldn’t be pouting whenever you denied him what sweet he wanted. Not like he would be there to ask you for a sweet. It wasn’t Bokuto who held you, rocking your body with his anymore to calm you down whenever your anxiety was bad. It was your own body rocking itself to the smell of scented candles and a cup of water at your bedside table. It was obvious though, every time you had to do that for yourself, you were missing Bokuto’s lips pecking your temples.

“I… I just wanted to talk,” Bokuto started. It was a bit strange to hear Bokuto talk calmly. Bokuto Koutarou? Speak slowly and not with so much energy? It was like another language. “I just… I just wanted to know some things.”

“Like why I never told you what I wanted?”

Bokuto sighed. “Yeah,”

“Well, to be honest, I don’t know what you mean,” you gave him a small laugh. “You always knew what I wanted.”

“No, I didn’t,” Bokuto countered quickly. “I mean, uh… Well, when we fought. Like that one time!”

“Which?”

“Oh, right,” Bokuto laughed hesitantly on the phone. You couldn’t hold back your smile. The situation was awkward. Weird, in fact. But hearing his laugh, it was nice. “Well, you never said to stay or if you even wanted me to stay.”

“Because… Well, didn’t you want to go?” you asked confused. Maybe Bokuto was more drunk than you thought. He wasn’t making sense.

“I… No. I never wanted to go,”

Your lips tightened against each other. You couldn’t hold back a flinch. Then what was all this for?

“God, I’m so stupid,” Bokuto yowled. Before you could even say a word, he continued. “I… I forced too much on you.”

“You realize that now?” You were mad. And you couldn’t stop it. “Don’t tell me you broke up with me for some stupid reason, Koutarou. Because if I hear you wanted to stay after all this time, then what the hell? What the hell was the point of all that? If you didn’t want to leave, then why did you? For me to chase you? Why say all those cruel things when you didn’t mean it, if you even really didn’t mean them? Why say all those things if you really wanted us together in the end?”

You were furious, there was no denying that. But Bokuto had his own feelings as well. “Because you never seemed like you wanted us to happen in the first place!” You were both raising your voices, but it became silent after. The burning in your chest came back. Or maybe it never left. You didn’t know, everything was mudding you mind.

“You… You thought I never wanted you? You didn’t think I loved you at all?” Even as the words escaped your lips, it didn’t sound real. All you’ve known with Bokuto was love. Even other people looking at the two of you together could never question your love. So how could Bokuto?

“No, no! I knew you loved me!” Bokuto corrected nervously. “It was just… After awhile, it felt like you only loved me because I loved you.”

“…huh?” Your face went from disappointment to dumbfounded right after.

“It was like… God, you know I’m not good with words, ____,” Bokuto chuckled. He took about twenty seconds to breathe in and then get his words out. “It was like you only agreed to go out with me because I wanted it. At first, I was really happy. I couldn’t stop talking about you or us. People kind of avoided me for the first month we dated because I wouldn’t shut up about you. People didn’t think I noticed, but I did! But I couldn’t help it! There wasn’t a single bone in my body or muscle that I had that was more happy to be with you than anyone I’ve ever liked or been with…

“But after that first month, it seemed like I was the only one happy. I felt like your smiles were always the same, always content, never happy. Like, really happy like I was. It seemed like you only went out with me because you made me happy, like you needed to make me happy. We always did whatever I wanted. Whenever I left it up to you to choose, you just told me to choose. I just thought girls were like that, but I noticed something. You never gave an input in our relationship. I never knew what was your favorite restaurant so it was kind of hard to surprise you. I didn’t know if you’d rather watch an action movie or a horror movie, because you would just let me choose. And I would try to figure it out on my own, but sometimes I would just sit there, stuck.

“I just went along with it, because I mean… It’s what you wanted. I wanted to be the reason you smiled and laughed. And I know you smiled and laughed with me. But it wasn’t different when I would see you laugh with your friends or mine. I feel like Kuroo or Kenma could make you feel just as happy as I was making you happy. I just wanted to have you fall in love with me like I was so in love with you. But somewhere along the lines, I started feeling like… Like I was making you more happy than you tried to make me happy… Or something.”

Bokuto could have waited for hours for your response. At one point you thought he was going to. But it just felt, as time passed, there would be no good enough response for Bokuto’s confession. How could you say something that amounted to that much feelings? You were too in shock to be hearing any of this. It would have been easier to hear all of this when you two were trying to fix the relationship. But maybe that was the thing. You two had gotten past the point of “fixing” that he couldn’t have said those things to you. You had forgotten that the break up was just as hard for Bokuto as much as it was hard for you.

There was no more burning in your chest. Just rips. Your heart was ripping itself apart and tearing away from your body, out your chest. Your breathing hadn’t been this paced ever since Bokuto had confesed each word to you.

“____?” Bokuto asked, concerned.

You snapped your attention back to the phone call. “Y-Yeah, I’m here.” Damn, your voice croaked. It was a little hard to talk when your throat was dry and tightening up. “You can keep talking, I’m still here.”

“You’re crying,” Observant. Worried. Hesitant. You could hear it all in Bokuto’s voice.

“No, I’m fine… I just… You can keep going,” you assured Bokuto.

“…You’re doing it again,” you didn’t know why you tilted your head when Bokuto couldn’t see. But it was like he knew. Of course he knew, he was in love with you. “I don’t know what you’re thinking at all. I just hear you cry, but never knew what you’re thinking. So, I guess it’s your turn.”

Bokuto always seemed unreal. You had never met someone so alive. And then he shows you a side where his voice was calm, everything he said was actually thought through. Maybe you didn’t know Bokuto as well as you thought, but you sure as hell were just as in love with him as you were since day one. At least, you knew you were.

People were crazy when they were drunk. They cheated, they broke into bars, have drunken fights, have stories to tell the next day. Bokuto could have been doing those things. It might as well had been, you would never know. But Bokuto, on one of his drunk nights, he’s calling you, confessing things you had never thought could be. It wasn’t like other drunken nights Bokuto had with you. He wasn’t asking to be wrapped in a blanket with your arms around him. He wasn’t asking to take you out to a restaurant he thought you would like because he “wanted to show you new things”. Bokuto was being serious for once, and it somehow… Made you angry.

“How could you think that?” the disbelief in your voice was evident, Bokuto couldn’t ignore it if he wanted to. Slowly, he realized your tears were falling. Bokuto could hear your cries as you whimpered and tried to hold it all in. But it was no use, as each attempt, Bokuto’s guilt ate at him. “You really don’t believe that I was actually in love with you?”

“____, it-”

“You didn’t believe at all because I never once told you I wanted to go somewhere or wanted to see this movie over the other?”

“Well, just a little. But-”

“Did you ever stop and think I was happy with how we were? That I was fully content with everything we were doing?”

“____, wait, I-”

“Or did you really not stop and think that you were the one that wasn’t happy with me?!”

“What, no! ____, I was always happy with you! There’s not way that-”

“What?! No way that you wouldn’t be happy with me, right? I thought that all this time, Koutarou! I’ve thought that everyday we’ve been together, friends and as boyfriend and girlfriend! Not once did I doubt your happiness with me, until just suddenly, there’s so many questions coming from you! Our relationship started to change and then there’s no relationship!

“How can you really think that I was the unhappy one when YOU were the one who ended everything?! Never did I once ask to have a day differ from what you wanted because I liked how everything was! You know what I enjoyed the most? Cooking french toast with you at my house every Sunday morning! We never said it was a tradition, but that what it became! We never skipped out on french toast every morning and I loved that! I thought because I didn’t break that unspoken tradition that, that would be enough proof that I was undeniably in love with your great horned owl ass!

“And while I say all this, how can you be angry at me for not expressing my love when you did the complete same?! You never expressed your unhappiness, you beat around the bush! You weren’t honest with me towards the end! You asked questions that toyed with my emotions! Koutarou, you could have told me what you were feeling and I would have done everything in my power to change how you felt! I would have done everything that I could think of just to make you happy again with me because I was so fucking in love with-”

“Stop!” Bokuto yelled. It was almost a screech. You had to look at your phone to make sure it was still Bokuto. He had these weird little hiccups whenever he was drunk. And there was that hiccup again. “Please. Please, stop it…”

You could hear shuffling on Bokuto’s end of the phone line. “You wanted me to tell you. I shouldn’t even have to-”

“I know! I know… I wanted to know what you were thinking but… I didn’t think it would be that.”

Your grip on your phone tightened as your eyebrows furrowed. “What did you want me to say then, Kou?”

“I…” There was more shuffling on the other line, almost too loud for you to hear Bokuto sigh. “I didn’t want to even think about that. That me being happy with you couldn’t happen. Because that’s all I ever wanted, that’s all I ever knew… I think. Until the end, obviously. I was thinking so much. I just… I just wanted to hear you say you were happy with me. I wanted to know-”

“Kou…”

Bokuto coughed. “Yeah?”

“Tell me. Were you happy with me?”

There was nothing more in the world you wanted then to hear him say yes. Because if that answer were to be anything other than yes, could you even believe in love after that? Bokuto had shown you what love was outside of familial love. It was terrifying at first, but as things went along, you flew. You never crashed into mountains, never once feared the heights, love made you fly higher and higher. Bokuto held your hand as you both flew together, so happy, and in love. It was all you knew. But if that answer was no, maybe would it would be the time to know how it felt to crash into those mountains.

“Of course,” Bokuto had a dry laugh. He hiccupped once and then another followed. Lastly, you could hear him breathing in a frustrated hiss. “Of course I was happy with you. I guess… I guess I just wanted to know if you were happy with me. I know, I was stupid to think it was okay to break up. But that’s what I did. I tried breaking up with you because I wanted to know if you couldn’t live without me like I couldn’t. It’s a lot of pressure, I know. But… It was the truth. The one week I’ve lived without you? Ha, I’ve been drinking myself stupid. I ran out of a bar because I pissed in every men’s and women’s toilet. I even threw up in the women’s bathroom while two chicks were using it. Imagine, me doing that. It was so stupid. Beyond stupid. I’m only making it by without you because I drown myself in stupid alcohol, volleyball, and homework. I’m actually doing my homework. Not like it’s done right the first time anyway, I can’t think straight. All I think about is why I’m not doing homework with you. I broke up with you… And I still can’t live without you. I just… I thought if I would leave, you would chase after me.”

Maybe the world had a different insight on love nowadays. Maybe it was true love to leave the people you swore you were devoted to. Maybe no words that expressed your feelings meant you really were in love. Maybe… Maybe Bokuto and you had forgotten how to love each other in a way the two of you would understand. Because that wasn’t how you wanted love, ever. You wanted Bokuto to stay. You wanted him to tell you everything.

“Koutarou,” your voice was small. It was quiet. But every time you said his name, you remembered how his eyes glistened and how the corners of his lips would curl. You missed that. So much. “I sleep on your side of my bed so I don’t have to think it’s bigger. I still do the crossword on the newspaper and make fun of you without realizing it. Sometimes there’s these words I know you would hate and I could just hear you complaining like you were just in front of me.” His cries had become quieter. All you could hear were a few honks from cars and Bokuto’s breathing. “I go to your favorite bakery, the one by the station. And you know what I order?” Bokuto’s lips hummed. “That ugly pastry dish we made fun of. The one with the melted chocolate on top of it?”

“The one that looked like my breakfast omelette from that one time?”

“That one time?” You had a small laugh. “You almost burned down my kitchen!”

“I apologized didn’t I?!”

“And you did pay for the damages. Even bought me my new oven,” Bokuto laughed, but it trailed off. “Even though I don’t know how you burned my oven along with my stove.”

“Hey, it makes your kitchen look good now.”

It was nice to share a laugh. It was nice to hear his laughter even though it wasn’t ringing in your ears like usual. You missed Bokuto’s laughter being the first thing you woke up to, and even though it wasn’t the first thing you heard, it was nice to hear it.

“I don’t get why you get that ugly dessert when you could have tastier things.You don’t even like chocolate alot! You should just get the super sweet ones in the front of the case! Like the fruit one, with the peaches and strawberries,” Bokuto was getting excited, and it was hard to not get excited with him. But you needed to say this. You needed Bokuto to know everything.

“Yeah, I don’t. Every time I eat it, I get a little mad at myself for getting it,” you giggled. “But I get it because I want to remember the time you almost killed us. I won’t get times like that anymore, Kou. Sooner or later, a new girl is going to have to call the fire department because you can’t cook for the life of you,”

“Hey, I can cook,”

“No, Kou, you can’t,” you interjected. The laugh meant to come out small, sarcastic. But it got stuck somewhere in your throat, making it sound pained, course. The burn in your throat didn’t help. “It makes me realize I won’t be the one to teach you to cook anymore. I won’t be able to love you.”

You could hear Bokuto want to say something, but he caught himself before letting the words slip out. It was hard to say anything to that, it was a lot to take in. All of this was a lot to take in.

“Koutarou, I am in love with you. Undeniably. I have missed you every day since we have broken up, and it’s only been a week. If this doesn’t say I can’t live without you, then… I don’t know what to say. Because I still wanted you there when you walked out. I still want you to take up most of the bed. I wouldn’t mind burning my kitchen again. Okay, I do. But it was you. I was happy that it was you who did it. It was proof I was with you through everything, and it was you I could never stop thinking about. I couldn’t live without you.

“And I thought you felt the same. But… When you walked out, I had my reasons to let you go. Koutarou, I am always going to want you to be happy. I want you to be happy, above everything else. That included my own happiness. So, when you wanted to walk away, I thought it was true, you were through with us. I thought I didn’t make you happy anymore. And I would have changed that, I wanted to. But I never knew what to change. I never knew what you were unhappy with. And I didn’t want to change something that could probably be the only thing that kept you happy with me. I was scared. I was so scared, and… I just ended up letting you go because I just thought the obvious. You weren’t happy with me.”

It was silent. When you were finished speaking, you looked to the time. It was almost two in the morning. As you listened in on Bokuto’s line, you could only hear shuffling every now and then.

“Kou?”

No response, except muffling. You looked to the phone confused, watching the timer continue to count the time as it passed.

And just as you were getting worried, a knock came to your door. You were worried Bokuto had fallen asleep on the side of the street. But now you were worried you were hearing things. The knock was coming from your front door, so it wasn’t too loud. You opened your bedroom door and looked to your front door as if it was left open. The knock happened again, and then you realized it was on the other end of the phone. You looked to the phone then ran to the door. You looked through the peephole, staring at the strangest thing.

Black and white hair.

You flung your door open, your face flustered to meet a crying Bokuto. He was leaning against the door frame and held his phone tight on his side.

“Kou, how did you-”

“____, please,” Bokuto begged. You watched the tears fall from his eyes and down his cheeks. Bokuto tried to stand straight, but you could see his wobbling. You caught him as he fell forward, his body weight heavier than usual.

“What? Kou, do you need-”

“Say it again,” Bokuto begged in your ear. You heard his phone drop as he grasped onto your shoulder with one hand. Soon your back was supported with his arm holding you, more like grasping onto you. Bokuto dug his face into your hair, leaning into the crook of your neck. “Tell me, again and again. Tell me I’m the only one you can fall asleep with on your bed. Tell me what an idiot I am that can’t cook, but you’re still in love with. Tell me how much I make the kitchen smell like black smoke, but its okay. It’s okay because you’re in love with me just as much as I am in love with you.”

Bokuto cried uncontrollably against you. You could feel his legs getting weak, so you brought him in. You closed the door behind him and fell to the floor with him. As you two sat on the floor, you found your arm around him tight. Your hand caressed his hair as he cried into yours.

“Tell me, please… Tell me I didn’t fuck up with you. Tell me I’m an idiot, say anything. Just please… Take me back,” Bokuto shook his head as he cried aloud. Even as you hushed him and brushed his hair, Bokuto cried and cried loudly. He cried as loud as his heart was broken.

Bokuto was a handful. That much everyone knew. He was too emotional when things didn’t go his way, he was born just to be loud at the wrong times, and he had too much energy to keep up with for just a day. People questioned your sanity, only because they knew how much of a handful Bokuto could be. Bokuto always needed attention, and you always obliged. Because just as much as he was a handful, Bokuto was just as amazing. Maybe even more. Certainly in your eyes, Bokuto Koutarou was more amazing than a handful. When people asked you how you could do it so much, it was as easy as breathing air. You were in love with Bokuto Koutarou.

Bokuto wasn’t theirs to handle. Especially if they couldn’t handle him just as a friend or at practice. Only a few could deal with Bokuto. Kuroo, Kenma, and Akaashi were prime leaders. But you took the cake, they admitted that easily and thankfully. You knew Bokuto inside and out, even better now. So you were fine with giving him all of the attention he ever wanted.

So, it was fine to hold his face and brush away his tears. Only you could do that. It was okay to replace those streams of tears with your kisses. It was okay to lead him back to your bedroom and fall into bed together. It was okay to spend the rest of the night hearing his cries into your chest as you held each other under the sheets. It was fine to do that until both your eyes were too tired to cry and your lips were too in pain from smiling. It was okay to wake up the next morning to Bokuto still there in your arms, sound asleep. It was perfectly okay to still be in love with Bokuto Koutarou, especially because he was just as much as in love with you as you were with him


	4. Kyoutani Kentarou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drunk calls from your ex-boyfriend and the feelings you get when he confesses he's still in love with you, despite what's happened.

“Kyou, do you know what time-”

“Why the hell did it take you so long to fucking answer?”

The frown on your face couldn’t even describe the amount of offense you felt. But when you heard Kyoutani mumble to himself some curses, there was a bang outside of your house. Choosing to ignore it, you return your attention back to Kyoutani.

Kyoutani waking you up late in the night was better to worry about than freaking yourself out about some nonexistent monster at your front door. No matter how much you couldn’t stop thinking about that loud bang.

“Kyoutani, what’s wrong?” you asked, still a bit groggy. You turned on your lamp on your bedside, your eyes immediately finding the time. 11:10 PM. There was definitely something wrong. Kyoutani rarely, if ever, calls this late. He’s a quiet person, but he usually answers you when you’re worried. And you were worried. “Kyoutani?”

Your doorbell rings.

It’s hard to control your heartbeat from stampeding throughout your body. You walk out your bedroom, staring at the door. You move your body to look around, as if you have some vision that could see through inanimate objects. Choosing to ignore it, or more like you were too scared to find out who it was, you speak into the phone. “Kyoutani, are you-”

The doorbell rings again. “Just answer your door!” Kyoutani grumbles into the phone. Simultaneously, you hear a bang against your door again as he grunts to himself.

This is a joke right?

You find it to not be a joke when you launch the door open and find Kyoutani leaning against your doorframe, his head down, leaning onto his arms.

“Kyoutani! Oh my gosh, what’s wrong? Do you need to go to the hospital, is your head-”

“I got too fucking drunk and can’t drive any farther,” Kyoutani interjected with a long groan.

You were speechless, for many reasons. First, Kyoutani drove? Drunk? Secondly, why is he this drunk this late? Where was he? Who was he with? How did he even-

“Woah, Kyou!” you exclaimed when Kyoutani tried to stand, only to fall forward. Your arms wrapped around him, catching his much taller body. He almost fell down, taking you along with him. “Here, come on.”

Trying to stand him up, you noticed Kyoutani nuzzling the crook of your neck. If your hair wasn’t blocking the contact, you would have immediately told him to stop. And if he wasn’t drunk, you would have scolded him. A little.

But it was… A little nice to have Kyoutani act like this every now and then. Even if you were broken up, it was okay to be happy with this.

Before helping Kyoutani through your doorway, you couldn’t miss the way he parked his car. He definitely drove drunk. For Kyoutani’s driving record, he would have never parked that horrible. It looked as if he tried to parallel park and gave up on parking the car backwards, only to have the front of his car sticking out into the street. What flabbergasted you the most was the fact Kyoutani parked in front of your doorway, practically next to the driveway. He didn’t even need to parallel park.

You brought (practically dragged) Kyoutani to your couch, helping him sit down comfortably. There wasn’t much effort in his movements, once you placed him on the cushions, the rest of his body flopped onto it. His head rested back against the back of the couch. Kyoutani’s skin was bright red, as if he was having an allergic reaction to something. Whenever he blinked, he hid them behind his hands. It probably didn’t feel any better since Kyoutani groaned even louder and hunched over, swaying too much to his sides.

“Kyoutani, how could you drive this drunk?” you scoffed as you sat next to him. Your hands rubbed his back in circles, a little too hard. It was hard to hold in the anger.

Kyoutani could hear the anger in your voice. He groaned, hiding the nostalgia he felt. “It’s not a big deal. I’m not fucking dead.”

“You could have died! Kyoutani, why are you even this drunk?” you interrogated.

Kyoutani looked at you out the corner of his eyes, immediately covering them with his hands. His body falls over, his head leaning into the crook of your neck. It was hard not to feel hot. Kyoutani’s body heat felt… Stronger than usual. Then again, he was drunk.

“Hey, Kyoutani, you need to-”

“I need to throw up,” he mumbled into your hair.

“What?!” you exclaimed. Even as you tried to push Kyoutani off of you, he wouldn’t budge. “Kyoutani, get up! C’mon, I don’t want-”

“You’re so damn loud,” Kyoutani complained. He lifted himself off your body and swayed too much, eventually laying on the couch.

Immediately, you darted to your kitchen, grabbing any plastic bag you could find. As Kyoutani sounded like he was holding in his vomit, you darted back to him, practically sliding on your knees with the bag ready to his mouth. As if planned, Kyoutani launched his head into the bag, erupting his fluids into the bag.

“Oh my gosh, how much did you drink?” you almost chuckled.

If Kyoutani could growl at you, he would. Instead he erupted more fluids into the bag.

“Kyoutani, you just keep throwing up. I’m going to repark your car before you get a ticket,” you informed kindly, as if talking to a kid.

And just like someone more drunk than they could handle, Kyoutani vomited more of his stomach fluid into the bag. Except this time, he quietly groaned a response to you.

You picked his keys from his pocket and walked over to the car. Even steps out of the house you could hear Kyoutani struggling to stop the vomit from coming out. At least he wasn't driving anymore. No wonder he stopped by.

Since you were only moving his car into your driveway, there wasn't much need for your seatbelt on or his car lights on. You parked the car quickly after adjusting the seat to your height. With the lights off, you didn't even hit anything that would have surprised you. As you ejected the keys from the ignition, your finger didn't fully grasp the ring, making his keys fall.

“Of course,” you muttered to yourself.

Suddenly Kyoutani vomited again, this time it was the longest you have ever heard him do so. You frowned, feeling a little bad for him. Other than giving him some pain medicine and letting him sleep here until he sobers up, there wasn't a whole lot you could do to make it hurt less for him.

You shook your head, reminding yourself you had to look for the keys. Your fingers didn't find the keys at all as you patted the floor repeatedly. It shouldn't have been so hard, but you must have dropped it in the crack between the chair and middle of the car. Just your luck. Impossible to see, you turn on the light, beginning to turn to the side.

Until your eye catches view of a picture on Kyoutani’s air vent. Not just any picture pinned to the vent, it's a picture of you two. From when you two were dating.

It's hard to tell whether your heart stopped because your ears suddenly stopped working. All you could do was just look at the picture, silence roaring in your ear.

The time of the picture was probably taken when you two were already going out for a year. Or maybe it was two. Six years together, the memories start to mesh together. It's hard to keep track what happened when. As long as the memories were made, neither of you cared to accidentally mix things up.

You were helping Kyoutani get something out of his hair, laughing that he got something stuck in it. It didn't seem like it, but Kyoutani actually cared a lot about his hair. He had a different level of pride whenever it was done right.

But even with something stuck in it, he was living for the moment. He was just so happy. It was one of the best genuine smile you had ever seen. You could never thank Yahaba enough for taking the picture. Once the picture was developed, Yahaba brought it to practice to tease Kyoutani that he could actually look “human”. Of course, Kyoutani was embarrassed. He was less embarrassed to ask for it. Kyoutani had it in his room for awhile until you stole it.

_ “There’s no way you get to keep my favorite picture of you anymore!” _

After the break up, it was one of the hardest things you let go of. It was like you were giving up on seeing his smile like that ever again. It felt like Kyoutani was giving up yours. Like he was giving you up.

At least, you thought he did. The whole existence of you. Somehow, staring at the picture…

You shook your head, banishing the very selfish thought. You two were broken up. There was nothing more to think about. After hearing Kyoutani vomit again, but sounding a little faint, you realized the time you were wasting. Right when you enter the house, Kyoutani is bent over your garbage in the kitchen, his head inside.

“Kyoutani!” you cried as you rushed next to his side. “At least throw up in the sink!”

“I didn’t-” He was interrupted by his own vomiting. He was really throwing up a lot. Just how much did he even drink? Kyoutani was one for getting drunk. But not this drunk. “Make it. Fuck.”

You walk behind Kyoutani as he wobbles his way to your kitchen sink. He was so comfortable around you, for someone who he used to be in love with. You scoffed at the very thought, because you were just as comfortable, maybe even more, with Kyoutani since the break up as well. It was always a weird thought to you how ex’s could be so close after a breakup. Now you just laugh at yourself, thinking how could you not be close to Kyoutani after the break up? Back then, you would have never thought you would have Kyoutani rinsing his mouth in your kitchen sink after erupting his drunken fluids from your living room to kitchen. No, back then, you would have never believed you two would become this close. It took some time but eventually, you two came back to one another. In some ways.

“What are you doing getting so drunk alone?” you asked. Kyoutani growled as he glared at you when you had a small chuckle. You rubbed his back with a smirk.

He couldn’t deny what he was doing was stupid. Driving drunk was the stupidest act of it all. Everything after wasn’t as bad, but still stupid.

“Wasn’t alone, okay?” he countered annoyed. As you walked next to each other, an arm around his waist. Kyoutani didn’t even realize he was still wobbling. “And it doesn’t matter to you.

You roll your eyes, hopefully Kyoutani doesn’t see. A little bit of you wishes he did, just so he could get annoyed too.  _ Of course you wouldn’t tell me. _

Kyoutani looks at you, a little concern in his mug. It wasn’t hard to miss for you. For everyone else, Kyoutani had the same mean mug since the first day they met him. For you, there were little signs in each of those mugs. Little emotions in everyone of them. And it wasn’t like Kyoutani couldn’t smile or frown. He just rarely did so… With other people.

As you sit next to him on the couch, you raise an eyebrow since Kyoutani wouldn’t stop staring. “What?”

“I was…” As if remembering something distasteful, Kyoutani rubs his face. Like he’s wiping away the stress. But he just looks more stressed after. “I was with some of the team.”

“Really?”

“Why is that hard to believe?”

You shrug. “The only ones you’ve really seen from high school are Yahaba and Kindaichi. So…” You smile, even though Kyoutani’s nose twitches. He’s not so comfortable with sentimental stuff like you are. Well, he was. But that’s because you two were going out and… Yeah.

“I hung out with the senpais, Yahaba, and Kindaichi,” Kyoutani answered. He laid back on the couch, his forearms covering his eyes.

You decided to stay on your side of the couch. You scooted a bit away from Kyoutani, in case he wanted to put his legs across the couch. All he did was peek out from under his arms and covered them again. It wasn’t like you were leaving or felt uncomfortable. Even after the break up, Kyoutani still checks on your well being.

“And they let you drive drunk?” you raised an eyebrow. It doesn’t sound like the guys would do that to Kyoutani.

Kyoutani shook his head lightly. “I stayed when everyone left.”

“When did everyone even leave?” you asked as you leaned back on the couch.

“Why am I getting interrogated?” Kyoutani shot back. When he felt you leave the couch, he tried finding you. “Where are-”

“To get you water so you can sober up and stop being such a jerk,” you answered simply. You weren’t offended, you were just used to Kyoutani being like this. When you left the kitchen with a water bottle in hand, you tossed it from behind the couch. Just as you sat back down, Kyoutani grunted from the water bottle landing on his stomach. “I’m helping you out so the least you could do is let me know what’s going on.”

Kyoutani pouted. It was a stare down, more like a glaring contest with Kyoutani, except you were just staring blankly. You sighed when he just opened the water bottle and drank.

“Kyoutani, you can’t-”

“It’s not a big deal, I said,” Kyoutani interjected after he finished drinking water. He put the bottle down on the floor, where the bag full of vomit used to be. He must have thrown it into the garbage and continued to throw up in there. No wonder he didn’t make it to the sink in time.

“Well, to me it is, Kyoutani,” you said, more concern in your voice. So soft. You turned your body as Kyoutani kept his body perched up with his elbow. He softened when he finally met your eyes. “Kyoutani, you drove drunk. You’re ridiculous but you’re not that stupid. So what’s going-”

“What if I just wanted to get fucked up and-”

“You never want to get ‘fucked up’ unless something’s going on!” you countered back. Kyoutani didn’t like that.

“Well, I did! Just leave it-” You stood up abruptly, walking down the hall. “Where are you-!”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow morning, when you’re sober and yourself!” you answered sternly.

Kyoutani winced as you slammed the door behind you. So did you. Your emotions were a mess, but when they were involved with Kyoutani, you had no self control. You slid back against the door and sat down on the floor, a deep sigh leaving your mouth.

Even now you could tell what Kyoutani was thinking, because you were thinking the same thing. _ It just like when we were about to break up. _

It was so bittersweet, this friendship. Ever since Kyoutani and you had become friends again, you hated to admit it, but it was like you two had never broken up. A friendship that felt like a relationship… Just without the whole acts of being in a relationship. It was complicated basically. You two were friends, but you felt the love. You felt your love for him just beat over and over again. The smiles were bigger than when you two were going out. You two felt closer for some reason. It somewhat bothered you that you could be happier now as friends than in a relationship. And even though you wanted to hold Kyoutani’s hands sometimes, lean on him when you were tired, or even just… Just hug him longer when you two were together, you never said anything. It felt like if you mentioned just the thought of doing some of those things… The entirety of your friendship, or this “friendship”, would end.

You didn’t want this to  _ end _ with Kyoutani.

It always lingered in your head, the one question you were too scared to answer. Were you still in love with Kyoutani? If you answered that, there would be more questions. You could barely handle just the one question.

For now, all you could think about was the drunk Kyoutani in your living room. He should take some medicine. You sighed again at the thought. Drunk Kyoutani was bad to deal with. But a hungover Kyoutani? You would never get your answers.

As you exited your room with some headache medicine in hand, you looked over to the couch. Kyoutani was asleep. Even from this far you could see the rise and fall of his chest. His forearms were over his eyes. Kyoutani must have been thinking right before he fell asleep. You had a small smile to realize that he had no blanket.

You walked back into your room and exited with a blanket in hand now. It was the small one you had on the couch in your room, just for when you wanted to sit down and read in the privacy of your room. It would be big enough for Kyoutani. You placed the headache medicine on the table next to Kyoutani then throw the blanket onto Kyoutani’s body. At the motion of the air brushing over his face, Kyoutani pouted, placing one of his arms over the blanket on his chest.

He was so cute. Just his sleeping face made you smile. It was like all your annoyances from just minutes ago disappeared seeing his sleeping his face. Seeing him just made you feel better. You sat down on the floor next to Kyoutani’s head, just watching his sleeping.

It was a selfish thought, but you couldn’t help it. Of course Kyoutani could sleep so peacefully after a fight. Then again he was drunk. His face still had a red hue to it. But… Still. As you brushed a finger against his knuckles, you couldn’t help but say it aloud. “Geez. At least be a little troubled over me like I always am for you, Kentarou.”

You held onto the tip of his pointer finger as his name left your mouth. You missed the small things. Just hand holding with him, being able to say his name in a room with just you two, sneaking kisses behind his friends and family just to see him embarrassed. It’s the small things with Kyoutani that you missed the most because it was what you two shared best. There were so many small moments like those that now that you two couldn’t do them, small moments like these… It felt okay to be selfish to try and hold his hand now.

There were times now when you would have small moments with Kyoutani. If he ever noticed them, he never said anything. Whenever you two walked side by side, you would accidentally brush his hand with the back of yours just to get the smallest touch. To make up for the times you missed holding his soft, large hands. Sometimes when you two ate together, you would steal his food right before he put it into his mouth just to get close to his face, see the eyelashes you missed. There were other times you would take his books while you two studied just to see him chuckle. It was childish of you, but you wanted to see those moments again. Those small moments of Kyoutani that only you knew of.

You missed Kyoutani. It wasn’t wrong to be selfish with him, was it?

Frowning at the thought, you stood up and walked over to the kitchen. Now you needed a drink. But since you had a bad day at school the other day, you finished the last of the wine bottle you had. Even knowing that, you still opened the fridge. There wasn’t even anything to eat your thoughts away.

Suddenly, you heard shuffling behind you. You snapped your head back to find Kyoutani standing from the couch.

Quickly, you darted to him, catching him before he swayed more to the side again. “Do you have to throw up again?”

He shook his head.

“Are you okay?”

“Fuck no,” Kyoutani grunted. He grabbed onto the couch’s back, sighing with all his irritation. “I can’t sleep like this.”

You chuckled. You sat him back on the couch. As you sat next to him, you gave him the water with medicine in the other hand. He shook his head with a grunt of disgust. You pout.

“There’s no point if I’m just-Oh, God,” Kyoutani covers his mouth. As he holds it back in, he breaths out relief. “No point in taking it if I’m just going to throw that shit all back up.”

You roll your eyes playfully. No point in arguing since you just argued.

“I’m sorry, by the way,” Kyoutani said quietly. It was like he just read your mind. He growled at your surprise. “I was being a jerk, I shouldn’t have been. I’m sorry.”

You chuckled. You nudge Kyoutani with your elbow, wishing he would smile. A little bit. Be a little happy you two were together rn. “It’s okay. I’m sorry I walked away.”

There was that smile. It was small. But for some reason, you were the only one who ever got a smile from Kyoutani. Besides volleyball at least. It was nice to know you could still make him smile. You didn’t want to push your thinking with it, assuming you were the only one who could make him smile. Kyoutani and you were friends, but that didn’t mean he didn’t share everything with you. He could be dating around… But even if he was, it was nice (and selfish) to know you could make him smile still.

“Okay,” you announced as you were about to stand up. “Kyoutani, you should get some-”

“Just stay,” Kyoutani asked. He immediately grabbed onto your wrist as you stood up, all his attention on you. He was about to say something else until you smile.

“I’m not a little puppy,” you answer with a smile. There’s a little bit of a tease in your voice, but you just can’t help but smile when Kyoutani has all his attention on you.

You sit down, but Kyoutani doesn’t let go. He actually tightens his grip a little. “Just stay until I fall asleep… Or something. I already feel like shit and…” You almost become as stiff like you’re under some petrification spell when Kyoutani leans in. He rests his head in the crook of your neck, nuzzling your warm skin. “I regret coming here. I’m sorry.”

It hurts a little. You put a hand on his shoulder, trying to look at Kyoutani. But he nuzzles himself deeper into the crook of your neck. “You already hate our little sleepover?” you can’t help but joke. You’re still nervous from this contact. Kyoutani and you haven’t been this close… In a long time.

“I feel bad, okay?” Kyoutani mumbles. His breath and body are warmer than usual. Than again, he was drunk. But he was so close and it just felt… So familiar but nice.

“Why do you feel bad?” It barely comes out, it’s quiet. There’s just something about saying something quietly and Kyoutani can still hear it. As if the distance closed between you two became more… Concrete. It was just hitting you. But you weren’t petrified by the fact anymore. Just content.

“You didn’t have… To help me out,” he admitted. He emphasized the “me”. You knew what he meant by that, but chose to ignore it.

“I’m not going to let my friend drive drunk,” you ignored the way Kyoutani’s cheek twitched against your skin when you called him your friend. It burned as it rolled of your tongue.

“...Even if I’m your ex-boyfriend?”

It’s like he’s a baby. You gently rubbed his arm, still trying to find his face. But Kyoutani turned. It made you frown but you tried to smile, to keep the mood the way it was. You missed this.

“You’re still my friend, Kyoutani,” you answered softly. Your touch was gentle, so was your voice. Kyoutani thought it was nice.

But the word friend left a bitter sting in his skin.

Abruptly, Kyoutani backed away from you. It startled you, especially when your eyes. He was mad. Just as you were about to say something, Kyoutani clicked his tongue and stood up.

“What the hell?” he said underneath his breath, furious.

“Kyoutani? What’s-”

Kyoutani walked past you in a rush. “I’m going home.”

You stood up, following Kyoutani close behind. “What? No, you’re not driving drunk! We just-” You reached out to him, but he stopped in his tracks and turned to you, clenching his jaw.

“You want me to be troubled over you? Like you are over me?” Kyoutani shot back.

“You…” your eyes widened at the realization. “You were awake for that?”

“So what?! You worry about all your friends, like this?” Kyoutani fumed, his arms open. “You would do all of  _ this _ for any of your friends?”

You flinched. His words confused you, but they felt… You could somehow feel the pain in Kyoutani’s words.

“Kyoutani, you drove drunk. That’s all that matters, I’m not going to let you drive home like this. It’s not safe! So of course I’m going to worry about-”

“Screw this. You’ll never get it,” Kyoutani interrupted. He turned his back and was only a few steps away from the door.

But his words angered you. You ran to him and pushed his back. The back he always gave you when you two were fighting like this. The scene you always found whenever you gave your heart and soul to Kyoutani when you were just trying to understand. The thing you hated seeing when you two broke up.

Kyoutani was still drunk so when you pushed him, he fell too far forward and met the entire door with the front of his body. His face might have hit the door straight on. He turned to you incredibly pissed.

“What the fuck was-”

You kept pushing Kyoutani, even with his back to the door. When it didn’t satisfy, you just forced your hands against him and kept pushing.

“Do you want me to leave?! Then let me fucking open-”

“Go! How dare you say I’ll never get it when you never tried to understand this!” you shouted.

Kyoutani’s eyes widened. He didn’t continue to fight your pushing.

“You get mad at me for not ever getting it?! Now you know how I felt when we were about to break up! Now you get why I was so mad! Why I always cried when you did this to me! How dare you get mad at me and say that to me when all I ever did was try to understand you, Kentarou!” you shouted and shouted. You were sure your neighbors could hear you. But you didn’t care.

Your heart was clouded by too much rage.

Kyoutani clenched his teeth and fists. He would never hit you, you knew that. You put that on your life. So when Kyoutani grabbed your arms, stopping you from pushing against him, you stared at his angry eyes with a fight. “What?!”

“Just fucking tell me then! Would you get this troubled about a friend?!” Kyoutani demanded. This was the first time he’s held you. It wasn’t nice, but you couldn’t help but notice, even in all the anger.

“Why does it bother you I’m doing this for you? And why does it matter if I did this for a friend?! What you did was stupid! It was crazy! You could have killed someone! You could have died, Kentarou!” you shot back.

Kyoutani bit down harder. “Because I don’t get this troubled over my friends!”

“That’s fine! But I’m me! I’ll do what-”

“Dammit, I get more troubled over you because it’s you! I’m always fucking troubled about you because I’m always stuck on you!” Kyoutani roared.

“Well-!” It hits you. Each and every word that left Kyoutani’s mouth slowly hit you. Now you were left with nothing to say.

Its silent. So silent it’s making your ears roar. The feeling of Kyoutani’s pants against your skin, your heart beating loudly, too loud in your ears. It was almost beating throughout your body. Suddenly, Kyoutani realizes the words that left his mouth as well, he let go of you.

“Fuck, I…” Kyoutani looked away. His tongue clicked after the silence began to deafen him too and he opened your door abruptly. “I didn’t mean to say anything. I shouldn’t… Fuck, I’ll just-”

You quickly grip onto his wrist. “You’re still drunk, dammit, Kentarou!”

“I don’t care,” yet Kyoutani doesn’t fight the grip on his hand.

“Just stay here and talk to me, just tell me what’s wrong!” you begged. This was scene was too familiar. It was always you chasing Kyoutani. He did as well, but… Times like this, when Kyoutani wanted to run away, you always followed behind. Like you were the only one who wanted him around. Like you were the only one who wanted this.

“I don’t want to talk about anything, especially this!” Kyoutani hissed, looking down at you. But you stood your ground, you didn’t flinch. Now Kyoutani was the one who sighed. “____, I’m going home, I can’t-”

“Is that why you still have the picture of us in the car?”

Kyoutani froze. His eyes widened at you, and he didn’t bother to look away when the words came to his mind. “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“And I did,” you laughed a little. Because you were tired. This wasn’t supposed to be a fight, Kyoutani and you weren’t supposed to be fighting anymore. You just wanted the days to go back. You mentally begged for the days to come back. “Kentarou, please. I’ll always be there for you. You’re my friend, so just-”

Kyoutani shook out of your hold. “Don’t call me that.”

He doesn’t give you a chance to grab him again. Kyoutani rushes out the door, forgetting your doorway is a few inches off the ground. His footing becomes loose and has to immediately grab onto the railing of your house. Suddenly, the little drop upsets Kyoutani’s stomach, making it gurgle.

Kyoutani couldn’t even hold it in to go far, he launches himself over your railing and erupts his fluids on the side.

“See!” you point out, right next to him.

It doesn’t stop. Kyoutani vomits over and over again with you next to him, rubbing at his back. In between his vomits, Kyoutani’s eyes find yours. There are those soft eyes again. The thought of you doing it to another  _ friend _ makes him vomit. But when he sees your eyes again, it’s… It’s just you and him. Kyoutani always wanted that. And he doesn’t want to leave. He wants more moments like this again.

Kyoutani stands up straight wiping the saliva on the side of his mouth. As he finishes, his eyes stare into yours. He could see three of you. But he wasn’t complaining.

“You’re drunk,” you state quietly.

Kyoutani grunts. “Like that wasn’t obvious.”

“So just stay, you little puppy,” Kyoutani’s eyes widen when your voice quivers with so much care. You wrapped your arms around his waist and rub your face against his chest. He can’t watch you do this to him or his heart might explode. So he looks out to the street, but can’t help but wrap his arms around you too as you tighten your hold. “Please?”

“Sorry, I… I couldn’t stand much,” he lies.

But you don’t care. You know Kyoutani lies, but you really don’t care. He begins to walk back, but both of you have an arm around each other. At this point, neither of you make the excuse to make this all okay. You two still care about each other.

Kyoutani can tell when you hold his hand, leading him back inside. And Kyoutani feels all the memories of this familiar scene hit him. When you were angry and had to bring him back to class, you would just hold his hand and walk in front. When you were too excited about the date and just grabbed Kyoutani’s hand led the way. When you two were so in love and needed more of it, you would lead the way to the bedroom. Kyoutani missed this scene. He squeezed your hand, wishing he could never let go.

Kyoutani wished he could tell you.

As you two sit on the couch, Kyoutani doesn’t let his nostalgia leave. He’s leaning into the crook of your neck again, making you two lay down together on the couch.

“Kentarou, hey-!”

“Just let me, alright?” Kyoutani shifts to get more comfortable, laying his arm over you and dangle off the couch. You don’t say anything and get more comfortable yourself as Kyoutani rests on you. “I’ve… I’ve had a fucked up day.”

Hearing those words come out Kyoutani’s mouth and have them mumble into your neck, you rub his head. His hair’s still as soft as ever. Kyoutani’s so warm, but he’s still drunk. But to have this warmth, this feeling of being together again… It was okay to be like this, right?

You stare at Kyoutani. His back rises and falls with each breath, he might be asleep. But the familiar scene brings back all the memories. And then the words come back to you.  _ You’re my friend. _ Do friends do this? Was this strange? Did it mean anything for the two of you? What did it mean to you?

Kyoutani’s question struck out to you now. And no. You wouldn’t do this for someone else. You did it… Because it was Kyoutani.

Just as you open your mouth, Kyoutani shifts, wrapping his arm under you. You can’t help but wrap your arm closer around him. But just as you were about to say something, Kyoutani beats you to it.

“I wish we never broke up,”

His shaking becomes faster and more noticeable as each second passes when you don’t have a thing to say. Your hands stop brushing his hair and stop rubbing his skin. You’re petrified trying to find the words. You just… What can you say to that when you have nothing figured out about your own feelings?

Did you still have feelings about you two?

Without another word, Kyoutani slowly sits up and is only an inch away from your face. He’s so close. He’s eyes are scared but his mug is the same as always. You know Kyoutani is scared and nervous, you could feel it more when he presses his lips against yours.

It only lasts a second. It was a selfish second. But as soon as that second was over, you gently push him away, Kyoutani not surprised by the water eyes and frown. His eyes somewhat match yours.

“Kentarou… This is why we broke up,” you reminded him, your lips just inches away from each other.

Kyoutani can only nod. “I know.”

“You always…” It’s hard to stop the tears. Frustrated that you’re even crying a little bit, you sit away and face your back to Kyoutani. “You always distract me with that, thinking you can never tell me what was going on. That’s why I broke up with you. Kentarou, you know I needed more than-”

“I know,” Kyoutani interrupts. He sits next to you, his elbows on his knees with his head hanging low. He sighs almost making the atmosphere depressing. “You needed more from me and I-”

“Where is this coming from? Almost three years later?” you snapped your head to him, demanding.

Kyoutani slowly turns to you, a blank look. “I told you. I had a fucking shitty day.”

“Kentarou… What happened?”

~

_ Kyoutani clicked his tongue in annoyance at everyone because their mouths hung open with surprise. Everyone except Yahaba. He knew what was going on, so he couldn’t blame everyone else for their surprise. But Kyoutani still grew annoyed. _

_ “You and ____-chan broke up?!” Oikawa practically screeched throughout the bar. Immediately, Iwaizumi punched Oikawa in the side “Gek! Iwa-chan, that-” _

_ “Are you okay, Kyoutani?” Iwaizumi asked with a frown. Kyoutani pouted. “What?” _

_ “It’s old news. We’re friends now,” Kyoutani answers right before drinking half of his beer. _

_ Everyone shares a worried glance then look to Yahaba. Yahaba frowns, disapproving. “What?” _

_ “Is he really okay?” Hanamaki leans over and whispers. _

_ Yahaba turns to Kyoutani, unamused. The former third years and Kindaichi watch the stare down, half worried and the others too curious. _

_ Of course Yahaba knew the real state Kyoutani was in. He was miserable without you. But he only knew that because after the break up, Kyoutani crashed at Yahaba’s. The first four days it was silent. Yahaba didn’t question it much. But on the fifth day, all hell went loose. Kyoutani was a mess when he continued expressing how fucking upset he was about the break up. _

_ ‘She broke up with me’ was all it took for Yahaba to understand just half of how broken Kyoutani felt. He could only imagine the rest of the feeling, but then again, it was just his imagination. Everyone knew how much you two were in love. And Yahaba was the only one who knew about the break up and saw Kyoutani try to live with it. _

_ He was definitely miserable without you. Until you two became friends again just last month. _

_ “He’s fine. He blows off steam by doing all the chores at my place then works more hours at the vet. Not like I’m complaining though. The break up was more convenient for me than-” _

_ “I will murder you,” Kyoutani hisses through his teeth as he grabs a handful of Yahaba’s shirt. _

_ Their friendship was strange, the two of them knew that best. So when everyone else was ready for a fight to break out, Kyoutani and Yahaba found this to be normal. _

_ “Relax, you know it’s true,” Yahaba shrugged. His eyes squinted, as if telling Kyoutani the obvious. _

_ At least I didn’t go into full detail about how miserable you were without- _

_ Kyoutani let go of Yahaba’s shirt before he could make out the rest of the mental thought. Clicking his tongue annoyed, Kyoutani finishes the rest of his beer, immediately asking for a hard liquor drink from the bartender. _

_ “Woah man, we’re sorry we’re asked. Just… Don’t get too drunk tonight, okay?” Matsukawa warned, barely drinking his beer. _

_ Kyoutani looks away as he drinks half of his drink, feeling the burn go down his throat. This was more satisfying than to hear about you. _

_ The night went on. They didn’t mention you to Kyoutani again, only hushed whispers around him. Eventually the subject was let go and the former members of Seijou’s volleyball team drank and had fun. It was a nice night. _

_ “I’m going out to smoke,” Iwaizumi announced happily. He hadn’t smiled this much in such a long time. Then again, Iwaizumi was secretly sentimental, so moments like these were hard to not smile in. “Anyone want to come with?” _

_ “I’ll go,” Matsukawa announced. _

_ “Me too,” Kyoutani agreed, shortly following behind his senpais. _

_ The three followed behind each other to the outside of the bar, already lighting their own cigarettes. As the cold air smacked their faces, the warmth of the smoke kissed their cheeks. It was small conversation but Kyoutani couldn’t help but notice the way his senpais look at him. When he raised an eyebrow at them, they couldn’t help but ask. _

_ “So are you really okay?” Iwaizumi asked before inhaling more of the cigarette. _

_ Kyoutani thought about it for some reason. It was a question that was floating around in his head for so long since you two had gotten to being friends again. All he can admit was a small “I don’t know”. _

_ “It’s fine to say you’re not,” Matsukawa assured. Kyoutani wasn’t mad he said that, he actually just listened to Matsukawa. “I mean. You and ____-san… I thought you guys were going to get married. High school sweethearts and all.” _

_ That’s when Kyoutani’s eyes widened and looked at the ground. Immediately Matsukawa regretted saying those words. Kyoutani looked the other way when he inhaled another smoke. _

_ Iwaizumi and Matsukawa exchange a worried look. Iwaizumi decides to speak up. “Hey, Kyoutani, we’re-“ _

_ They all turn to see Yahaba behind them, lighting his own cigarette. He freezes mid step feeling a bit awkward that they all stare. “What?” _

_ Kyoutani looks away and takes a bigger inhale of smoke. As he exhaled, it almost seemed to cloud him. Yahaba looked at the senpais then to Kyoutani. _

_ “Me too,” Kyoutani added. _

_ “What?” Matsukawa blurted out. _

_ Kyoutani tosses the butt of his cigarette and crushed it with the balls of his shoes. When he looked up at the three of them, he shrugged and hid his mouth in the collar of his track jacket. “Thought we were gonna get married to.” _

_ That’s when Yahaba’s eyes widen with realization. Kyoutani notices and looks away. Iwaizumi and Matsukawa look back and forth between their kouhais, confused. _

_ “So are you not gonna tell them? It’s just the senpais. They won’t make fun of you,” Yahaba asked before inhaling the smoke. _

_ “Hey, Yahaba, he doesn’t have to tell us anything if he-“ _

_ “I know,” Kyoutani interrupts Iwaizumi. The two look at him then at Yahaba, feeling some tension. As if the news about your break up resulted because of a death or moving away or- _

_ Yahaba exhaled a large amount of smoke then looked at Kyoutani. He didn’t look at Yahaba but Yahaba knew it was okay. So he looked at Iwaizumi and Matsukawa as he tossed the cigarette. _

_ “____-san broke up with Kyoutani the day he bought the ring,” Yahaba revealed. _

_ ~ _

Kyoutani didn’t go into further detail about what happened after, but it was Kyoutani. And since he showed up here, you knew you were right. Then you knew you were right about what happened after the break up. Kyoutani was miserable, but you knew Kyoutani. And you knew you destroyed him. When he looked you in his eyes, you could finally see how destroyed he was.

It was not okay to feel the heartbreak when you realized what you had done. Because… Could you really be heartbroken when Kyoutani’s been this miserable?

“You… You were going to…”

Kyoutani nods his head.

“And I… The day I-“

“Yeah,” Kyoutani interjects. He wasn’t bitter. He just… Answered.

Kyoutani looked into your eyes as you stood from his, stunned. Immediately you turned to look at the side. He expected that. He looked back in front of him then stood, better balance. The reality of now was sobering him up.

Immediately, you looked at him, a bit scared and worried. Or just emotional. “Are you leaving?”

Kyoutani didn’t answer. He just pulled out his box of cigarettes and walked past you. Just as he put one of the cigarettes in his mouth, he turned to you when you grabbed onto his arm. You were shaking.

“I… I…” Your eyes are tearing as you meet Kyoutani’s eyes. And they fall faster when Kyoutani halves a smile.

Kyoutani actually halved a smile for you after telling some horrible story like that. He actually wipes your tears after telling you the story of how you not only broke up with him, but destroyed his life.

“Kentarou, I-“

“I never wanted to tell you,” Kyoutani interrupted quietly. You sniffled when he dropped his hand and looked away. “I’m gonna go smoke.”

“Don’t leave,” your voice breaks when you ask, and you can’t help but ask. You can’t help but cry now. Especially seeing Kyoutani’s back again.

Kyoutani doesn’t even look back.

“I’m just going to-“

“I know you Kentarou, and I know you’re going to sneak away while you smoke and never tell me anything and then when we see each other, you’re never going to-“

“So what, you’re going to let me stay after hearing that sad, shitty story?” Kyoutani looked back at you as he spat those words to you.

“Yes!” you answer before he could finish the sentence. “I… You were going to propose even… With all the problems we had?”

Kyoutani scoffs and puts the cigarette back in the box. He got tired of feeling it in his mouth being unlit. “The only one who had a problem was you, ____. I was… I was happy with you, even when it ended.”

“But you never let me in! You never let me know-“ You dart to Kyoutani and pound your fists on his chest. Damn him for being so damn tall. And damn him for not doing anything against your hits. He let you cry. Because he knows you needed it. Maybe he needed it too. “You never told me how-“

Kyoutani grabs your wrists and closes the distance between you two. “You were the only one I ever let in! What more did you want from me?!”

“I wanted to know you without having to ask. I loved you! I was in love with you but felt like I had to ask every single time something was wrong, okay, or whatever!” you stammered uncontrollably.

Your mind was going uncontrollably. Another questioned followed the other and no answer came up. It was making you go mad and seeing Kyoutani go from angry to calm to annoyed then curious made you so furious because this was all so infuriating. Confusing. Making your heart beat a thousand times faster and harder than you would like. It just made you want to drop into a hole and have time slow down so you could at least process everything going on and what went on these past few years.

“I wanted our relationship to feel like we trusted each other without having to have an interrogation everyday!”

“And I did too! I just thought I would have the rest of my life to trust you with it!”

“But you don’t know if you could have had that with another girl!” you cried out, hoping it would at least leave him flustered.

But it didn’t. When that was always a fact that made you uneasy, it made Kyoutani certain.

Kyoutani only dated you seriously. He was your first boyfriend too. But you never tried to find another. That time you were getting over Kyoutani took the entire time. And just when you thought you were over him, you saw him across the coffee shop. You were studying and he had just come in. Kyoutani got his usual black coffee and sat down at some table on the other side of the coffee shop. After so long of not seeing him, seeing him now for the first time felt like… It felt like he was some fairy or a mystical creature. You couldn’t take your eyes off of him. And just when you were about to look away, Kyoutani found your eyes.

Ever since then, your friendship bloomed and became what it was today.

“You would have found that with another girl,” you panted. It sounded as if you were trying to convince yourself more than Kyoutani.

When he didn’t say anything and just used his knuckle to make him look at you, you couldn’t find the words to fight back. “I tried.” Kyoutani dropped his knuckle when your eyes went wide. “They didn’t really mean shit when all I could think about was you.”

“You never told me you-”

“Why would I tell you I was dating?” Kyoutani replied with such attitude, but his voice was actually quiet.

“I don’t know. We’re friends,” it was more of a question because it sounded stupid as it came out your mouth.

“Yeah, and we’re exs,” Kyoutani reminds with a shrug.

“But we always hung out, when did you-”

You don’t even fight it when Kyoutani quickly pressed his lips against yours. It was longer than the last. You didn’t want to fight against it this time, but he was the one who ended it now. As he let go of your arms, Kyoutani brought you into him, holding you close to him. He pressed his hand on the back of your head, almost covering you with him. This was so foreign and it used to not be. This used to be the norm between you two. How could it be almost three years later and Kyoutani finds a way to make you this emotional mess? Such a damn crying mess?

“You were going to propose to me, you idiot,” you bawled, giving into him. You cried louder into his shoulder and all he could do was hold you closer.

“Yeah, I know,” he whispered.

You cried longer and longer. It was hitting you. You two were friends after that? He wanted to be your friend after that, and he never told you? Kyoutani must be the most unselfish person ever to you, yet here you were… Trying to steal moments together when he was hurting. You trying to get those moments back of when you were together when Kyoutani was still healing. You were so selfish with Kyoutani. You were a mess because of Kyoutani. Everything about Kyoutani… You loved.

“How could you still be friends with me, after something like that? How could you not tell me?” you whimpered. You tried to wipe the tears away as Kyoutani held you, but it was impossible with how fast they continued to fall one after the other.

“Do I have to spell it out for you?” Kyoutani asked.

_ Please. Please don’t be in love with me still. _

It was selfish to ask for. But you were scared. Because you knew how happy you would be if Kyoutani was. But it wasn’t going to solve anything. It wasn’t going to solve what went wrong between you two. You loved how everything was before this night, before all these confessions. If you two were back together, could it even be like the days you two have spent together this past year?

Kyoutani weaves his fingers through your hair and puts his face into the crook of your neck again. You could feel his smile against your hair. “It was hard.”

Your lips hum.

“It was fucking hard still being in love with you and seeing you in that coffee shop,” Kyoutani chuckles at himself.

He thinks back to that day. Life didn’t mean shit to him. Kyoutani was just going on because he had to. School and work were the only things he concerned himself with. Every now and then he would go out with Yahaba, and that’s when the “dating” happened.

When he said he did try dating, that meant the girls he was set up with by Yahaba to try and get over you. But Yahaba and Kyoutani both gave up on that because they all weren’t you. Yahaba didn’t even set him up with that many girls. Kyoutani really only went on a date with, at most, four girls. And none of them were like you. That was the reason Yahaba set Kyoutani up with them, but it never worked. It was a little distraction, but life was still shit.

Until Kyoutani saw you in the coffee shop. It was his usual coffee shop he would study in. They had good coffee and people were decent. They let Kyoutani be and the workers would check on him whenever he needed a refill. After half an hour of sitting in his usual table, he finally looked up. Finding you was the last thing he expected. Kyoutani thought he had gone delusional from all the extra hours he took at work and the little sleep had gotten from studying. Also thinking of you, and you two were already broken up for two years at that point. Life wasn’t the same or better after that.

Kyoutani had to make a decision at that point. Run away or just ignore it. In all honesty, he chose to run away. But when he got to the door of the coffee shop, his body just… Kept walking straight. He was confused and he could see it in your eyes how surprised you were too. It was awkward when he sat down and just opened up his laptop. Kyoutani immediately regretted it, but when he heard that small laugh of yours…

God when he just  _ saw _ that smile of yours, there was no doubt about it. If you were just… There in his life, if Kyoutani kept you in it… He wouldn’t be as miserable, right?

“I’m in love with you too much to live without you again, alright?” Kyoutani cried frustrated.

Yes, he was crying. Because he didn’t want to go back to those days of trying to live life without you. He was tough and mean. But when you were gone, Kyoutani forgot how to exist. Yahaba barely survived living with the new Kyoutani. The week you two had met up again and become friends? It took Yahaba four seconds to know you were back in his life.

But nothing beats the one second it took for Kyoutani to realize he was never going to let you out of his life, as a lover or friend.

“But…”

“But what?!” Kyoutani holds you out, his tears falling fast from his pained eyes.

You tried for the words. But you’re tired. You hurt. You’re regretting everything you’ve done these past months. You’re scared of what the future will become and won’t become… You’re scared to lose Kyoutani also.

“But nothing’s going to change. Kentarou… I loved these months with you. This was the happiest I’ve been with you in such a long time… I don’t want to let that go. I don’t want you to go if it doesn’t work out again… I’m too in love with you to go through that again,” you cry out loud admitting the answers you were so fucking scared of.

So it all spills out because there’s no stopping these emotions you’ve held in for almost three years.

“I’ve gotten to know more about you this past year than in the time we’ve dated. I fell in love with you in highschool, but… We’re so young and stupid back then. We didn’t even know how to fix our problems once we got out of high school. So when we became friends, it was just… It was like we never broke up, but better,” you somewhat laughed at the irony. You were so in love with Kyoutani, but then you were so in love with the friendship as well.

This is what you wanted. The closeness, the trust, the freeness of just being together. It was what you ever wanted in Kyoutani. Yes, you wanted to hold him, yes you wanted to kiss him to your heart’s content, yes you wanted to tell the world he was yours. But if that meant going back to all the fighting, the interrogations, the bad days… Then being just friends was okay.

“I didn’t want to change anything because I was happy with this. I was okay with this,” you exclaimed, pointing over and over again to you then Kyoutani.

Kyoutani’s eyebrows furrowed, frustrated with it all. “You were okay with just being friends? When you just admitted you’re still in love with me too?”

“Yes! Because I wanted-”

Suddenly, Kyoutani’s lips are against yours, just more desperate. The muffled sounds die out as Kyoutani kissed your lips. Each time his lips left yours, they came back, each kiss shorter than the last. You tired to say his name, but not even the second syllable would come out when Kyoutani kissed you again. His arms wrapped around your waist and you could feel yourself giving in. You hadn’t done this in so long. Neither of you have. As Kyoutani plumped lips smashed against yours, there was just a brief second where your eyes met, half lidded. That was all it took for you.

Kyoutani got the signal and brought you, making you wrap your legs around his waist. Even with your voice protesting, panting his name, your hand found his neck, pulling him into the kiss. With each desperate kiss, Kyoutani turned and pushed your back against the door. You brought your feet to the ground, letting Kyoutani tower over you. You loved that, it was your favorite kind of kiss. Just being pushed against the wall, with your neck and back arched just so you can taste his sweet lips.

Kyoutani panted against yours lip, licking them as there was a pause. A tingle went down your spine just as your tongues wrapped around each other. It was so sweet yet intoxicating. The missed feeling of this, the memories. You knew exactly what each other liked, what the other craved. Your hands found his face, wiping the tears. Kyoutani did the same, only he held your face to bring your lips to his. To mark the lips he always dreamt of while you were gone. Kyoutani wanted to taint you as his again, because he was no one else’s but yours.

Just as your hands went underneath Kyoutani’s shirt to wrap around him, Kyoutani abruptly stopped. He jerked back, both of you panting as you stared at one another. His hands still held your face, but as a tear fell from your cheek, he wiped it with his thumb.

“I… Fuck,” Kyoutani panted. As he pressed his body against yours, he let go of your face and wrapped his arms around you. Your bodies pressed against the door and Kyoutani brought his forehead to the door, trying to come back to reality. “I’m sorry. I got too… I got too excited.”

“It’s.. Its ok-”

“Stop. You just told me this is why we broke up and....” Kyoutani sighs and looks at you. “You’re right. But…”

Your eyes soften, remembering Kyoutani had a point to that kiss. He wipes his face, trying to rid of the stress. But all he could think about was… It was nice.

It was amazing to feel that way with you again. Kyoutani wanted it again.

“Just fucking be with me… Please. Because if we’re friends….” Kyoutani can’t find the words. He looks and looks, but comes up empty.

He’s so desperate to have this, have you in his life just like you two want. But he knows you’re scared. He is too. Kyoutani can not fuck up again, nor will he. But… Kyoutani wants you to know that too. Kyoutani wants you to trust him.

Kyoutani lightly brings his forehead to yours and the tears just fall from his eyelashes as he just whispers his desperation. “Please, don’t go.”

“Kentarou… I…”

You’re shaking. You’re scared and… So in love with Kyoutani also. He fucks you up in so many ways. It has been so long since you have been this emotional, and the last time was because of Kyoutani. Having Kyoutani in your life has made your life so much more amazing, you couldn’t imagine life without him. Not again.

But the future was terrifying. Knowing that it probably wouldn’t work out again and having to leave Kyoutani in the past, again? Neither of you could go thru that again. It would be worse, because you had this moment.

This was the moment you two had always wanted. A second that felt completely like your days together. But as the seconds pass, could you really let this go? Could you handle it never happening again?

It was all too much.

“Kentarou, I think we should sleep, we need to think about this,” you suggest quickly. As it left your mouth you begin to head towards your room.

But Kyoutani grabs you, more desperate than the last. “Don’t leave me again. Please. I’ve had my time to think. Just…”

It’s nice. It’s terrifying. It’s Kyoutani.

“____, after you it was like volleyball all over again. I couldn’t… I need everyone else to play. And it was fucking different after the third years left. I had to start over and get used to the damn beginners. It was a constant cycle. But I got used to it, and changed when I needed to…” Kyoutani met your eyes.

This was the most terrified and broken he had ever let you see him. Your eyes widen as his tears fall and he gets frustrated they do. But he swore before. Kyoutani’s not letting you go again.

“It will be just like how it is now. Just... Trust me, okay?”

“...I trust you with my life, Kentarou,” you answered quietly.

For a second, Kyoutani cracks a smile. Especially when you slowly kiss his forehead. But it slowly disappears when you walk out of his hold. His smile is completely gone when you turn your back on him.

He chuckles when you close your bedroom door behind you. This is what he’s being doing to you, huh? Just what he deserved.

Kyoutani goes to your couch and let’s sleep eventually reach him.

~

It’s almost 4 in the morning. Your bed feels bigger and colder somehow, just from knowing Kyoutani’s there on the couch when you want him next to you.

He was going to propose. Kyoutani wanted to spend the rest of his life with you when… When you wanted the same thing but you two had problems. It was all so confusing.

You turned to your side, looking at the empty side of the bed. The nights where Kyoutani laid there without a shirt on, your skin touching. Your favorite thing to do was watch the rise and fall of his chest. There were times when you got to play with his soft hair as you waited for him to wake up. Times were simple with Kyoutani. Moments like those… You missed that.

It was late. You said you two would think about it. More like  _ you  _ had to think about it.

Kyoutani change? But there wasn’t anything you wanted to change. Not now. He was the best you ever wanted him now and… You didn’t want to change much. Just…

You actually groaned out loud your frustration. Kyoutani was the only one who could make you this flustered and was the only one who could calm you down.

At the realization, you got up from bed. Quietly, you crept out your room, wrapping yourself in your robe as you walked towards Kyoutani. He was sleeping on his on the couch, peacefully asleep. There wasn’t much room for you to sit on the couch, but it was fine. Sitting on the floor next to his sleeping face was the best thing that could calm you.

Kyoutani slept with a mean mug as well. But when he was really at ease, times with you around, he slept with content. You could never explain it, you just noticed it.

And you notice the way your heart screams at you to hold Kyoutani. That never changed about you.

You sigh, feeling comfort as Kyoutani breaths out his dreams.

“Kentarou, I’m in love with you,” you admitted. Yes it was aloud and to Kyoutani. But it felt like you were saying this for yourself now.

“I’m scared how much I love you because… I would do whatever for you. And that includes hiding a dead body,” you chuckle to yourself.

Somehow, chuckling only made your tears fall. As you wiped them away, you let the frown come out and the rest of your emotions come out.

“I guess I’m so scared to tell you everything about how I feel because I felt like you didn’t deserve to know everything. Not when I never got everything from you. But now… I’m so mad at myself for thinking like that,” your whispers were beginning to become blubbers. “I got so caught up in ‘knowing everything’ about you I forgot that I didn’t need to know everything. Not as long as I had you.”

You leaned closer to Kyoutani, just the tips of your noses touching. If he was going to wake up, it didn’t matter. You knew he would just let you. It was a weird habit, but whenever you were sad you would touch the tip of Kyoutani’s nose with yours. Maybe you were just picking up the dog habits from  _ his _ nickname more than he was. Even after this stupid break up.

“I was so happy you came to sit with me at the coffee shop. It was like I could take you into my pocket or some locket and keep you forever,” you laugh at the thought. Your breath brushed against Kyoutani’s skin, bringing his eyes to slowly open. As he noticed your presence, he abruptly stood up.

“____, what’s-“

All you did was sit on the couch and wrap your arms around him. You shook so much, Kyoutani thought he had to take you to the hospital. But as your whispers met his ears, Kyoutani could only wrap his arms around you.

“I never wanted to stop being your friend after got back to it. It felt like I finally got the Kentarou I wanted. The Kentarou I messed up. The Kentarou I never appreciated,” you wailed.

Kyoutani held you tighter, learning. This is what you meant by “all of you”. The you no one else could see, the you that was too vulnerable to be real in the world, the you that… Tha couldn’t fight against the world but somehow did.

“I was selfish with you, but I always wanted more. Because I was so in love with you. Hearing you compliment me again, hearing the stories about you and Yahaba, and telling me my food sucks whenever I cook-“ Kyoutani couldn’t help but chuckle while he cried. “I wanted more than that. But I couldn’t because it was too selfish. Especially after learning about the proposal. I never asked if you had feelings still because I was so wrong. I was wrong to break up with you and just want you back because we were friends again. I’m rambling and I’m crying and I’m not making sense anymore but-“

Kyoutani broke you off with a kiss to the lips. When your lips departed from the other, you whimpered.

“Kentarou, I’m sorry that-“

“You wanted me to tell you every damn thing I was feeling when you couldn’t even do that now? You’re a damn-“

“Hypocrite, I know,” you nodded. At the realization, you cried louder and uglier. But it made Kyoutani happy. He kissed your forehead as you said it again and louder. “I was stupid and a hypocrite.”

“It’s okay,” Kyoutani murmured against your forehead. He kissed your forehead once again and smiled against you. “I’m selfish with you. Just be fucking selfish with me. It’ll get better this time, okay?”

For the first time of the night, you two were able to laugh and cry just like when you two were together. It was just better this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys read the outline I had for this chapter, the make out session was not in there. I don't know what came over me to do that LOL.


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